Apology Brings Home Peace

Everyone makes big and small mistakes. We sometimes step on another person’s foot in a crowded bus, spill water on someone and get their clothes wet, hurt someone’s feelings with too much joke, or make someone angry with actions that lack consideration. Not only the immature children but also the elderly who have abundant experiences of life are constantly experiencing trial and error because they are not perfect.

What is important is the attitude to cope with the situation in the positive direction when we make a mistake. It is natural that compensation should be followed if you have done harm to others by careless words and actions. The best compensation you can make in a situation where you have harmed some is an apology.

Barack Obama, the former president of the United States, said, “In the era of responsibility, not to make mistakes is not virtue, but to admit it and be careful not to make a mistake again.” Konosuke Matsushita, a representative industrialist of Japan, said, “There is nothing in this world that can be forgotten without an apology. And there is no one who feels okay without receiving an apology.”

In this world, imperfect people live together. A heavy crime committed intentionally must be punished by the law, but we can still live in the world, understanding and forgiving each other for numerous mistakes made outside of the fence called the law, thanks to the virtue called apology.

The power of “I’m sorry”

This happened at the University of Illinois Medical Center in 2006. A doctor with 40 years of experience accidentally took a biopsy from the 8th rib of a patient when he should have taken it from the 9th rib. If the patient found out this, the hospital would be thrown in utter confusion, and his fame as a doctor would fall to the ground. However, the doctor did not hide his mistake or make an excuse. Instead, he went to the patient and told him the truth and sincerely apologized. The patient could have received a great deal of compensation if he sued the doctor, but instead, he only made a reasonable negotiation.

When a patient suffers damage by a doctor’s mistake, it usually leads to a court battle. However, if the doctor tells the truth and gives a sincere apology instead of confronting by the law, most victims accept it and do not file the lawsuit.

An apology also brings home peace. When you come home late and are asked by your spouse, “Why are you so late?” if you say, “Do you think that I came late because I wanted to come late?” then it will become an argument, but if you say, “I’m sorry for coming home late. You waited long, right?” then you will hear a soft answer like, “I was worried about you because you weren’t coming” instead of an argument.

The power of a simple apology is unexpectedly great. No matter how cold-hearted a person may be, everyone’s heart is softened when he or she receives a sincere apology. When a stranger steps on your foot and hurts it but apologizes for it, you can say that you are okay; and you can calm down when you are cut off by someone while driving if that driver sends you a message of apology with the hazard lights. Even in a tense situation where no one would take a step back, and even when the emotions become as hard as stones, the atmosphere can be reversed if someone apologizes first.

Is apologizing first losing?

To admit one’s own fault and ask for forgiveness is not as easy as it sounds. People instinctively tend to be stingy with other people’s mistakes, but generous to their own faults and try to minimize any situation that is unfavorable to them.

In psychological terms, unconscious psychological function to protect oneself from guilt or anxiety is called “defense mechanism.” This explains why people sometimes blame someone else and make excuses instead of acknowledging their faults although they made mistakes. They also hesitate or avoid apologizing, worrying that admitting their mistakes would make them feel like a loser and lose their self-esteem and face. The higher their position is, the older they are, and the more authoritative they are, the easier it is to have this idea.

However, in situations where a proper apology is needed, if they make an excuse every time or try to avoid the situation with self-rationalization, thinking, ‘Everybody makes a mistake’ or ‘I’m sure they will understand this much,’ then it will definitely make a crack in their relationship with other people. Sometimes, a situation gets worse or a relationship breaks and becomes irreversible though it could’ve been solved if only one had said, “I am sorry.”

This is partly due to the lack of understanding of an apology. It is never a shameful thing to realize your own mistakes and reflect on them. It is not an act of submitting to the other person or losing. We just do it because it is a right thing to do. Apologizing is a leading action someone with pride do and a choice of a brave person; it is an opportunity to realize one’s own deficiency.

“When a winner makes a mistake, he says ‘I was wrong’; when a loser makes a mistake, he says, ‘It wasn’t my fault.’ A winner can apologize even to a young child, and a loser cannot hang his head even to an elderly person.” Journalist Sydney J. Harris

Apologizing skill to recover relationships

Sometimes, we apologize, but the situation is not over but rather, it gets worse. In this case, it is most likely because it wasn’t a proper apology. Apologizing should not be a means to avoid the crisis or a formal way to lessen the burden of the mind. What is more important than “whether or not you apologized” is “whether or not the other person feels better.” Let’s find out how to apologize correctly.

① Express in detail

There is a mistake that husbands often make. It is that they apologize to their wives without thinking much. When the wives ask them what they are sorry for, many husbands evade the question because they don’t know what to say. Sometimes, instead of apologizing directly, some people try to make their wives feel better with a comment of humor or a gift, or some think they apologized by saying something that shows their bad feeling like “Oh no” or “What can I do?” When apologizing, you must not be vague but explain what you are sorry for in detail. A true heart is conveyed by showing that you are aware of what you have done wrong.

② Do not add any condition or excuse

There are reasons for everything, and there are also reasons even for making mistakes in their own ways. However, when you apologize, you must not give reasons. The moment you add a reason, it becomes an excuse pretending to be an apology. “I’m sorry, but . . .” “I was wrong, but you were wrong, too.” “I apologized, so you should apologize, too.” “If you felt offended, I’ll apologize.” Such expressions that try to avoid responsibility and a conditional apology make the other person feel even more uncomfortable.

③ Show willingness to improve

What a person who receives an apology wants is that the same mistake will not be repeated. If an apology makes the person who receives it still feel worried that it might happen again, he or she cannot trust the one who apologizes. An apology must be followed by action. You must show your willingness to be more careful from now on and try not to repeat the same mistake.

④ Whether or not the apology is accepted is up to the person who receives it

Sometimes, apologies are not accepted even though one takes one step back and apologizes. When this happens, some people get angry or frustrated and say, “How can you not accept my apology? Isn’t my apology enough for you?” If you do that, the other person’s feeling will be hurt all the more as he is criticized when his heart hasn’t melted yet. The one who decides whether to accept an apology or not is not the one who apologizes, but the one who receives it. Sometimes, one’s feeling is hurt so greatly that it takes some time to heal. In this case, you must not push him to get it off his chests quickly, but wait for him.

⑤ ‘I didn’t do anything wrong!’

Sometimes, it is so hard to understand why someone is angry and what you’ve done wrong. There is nothing harder to say that you are sorry when you haven’t done anything wrong. However, even if you did not have bad intentions, you need to think that you are responsible if the other person’s feelings got hurt. It is because just as there are differences in the way people think, there are differences in the standard of mistakes, too. A person who has a freewheeling lifestyle will think that it is okay to leave things anywhere after using them, but those who thoroughly organize things may think that it is wrong not to put things back in place after using them.

⑥ When receiving an apology

In order for a smooth reconciliation, the one who receives an apology also needs to have a generous heart. Try forgiving generously instead of mentioning their fault again, saying, “Do you even know what you did wrong?” or dragging on, thinking, ‘I need more than just an apology.’ It’s because you can also make the same mistake unconsciously.

Also, although someone made you feel angry, try to have a broad mind to understand them and forget about it if it is not some major problem. If you lose your temper immediately when you get angry, the other person, who might have been about to apologize, might lose their temper, too. If it is something you cannot overlook, try explaining what made you upset like “I felt hurt because of this reason and that,” instead of urging them, saying, “Apologize right now!”

An apology contains love, respect, and consideration for the other person. An apology also conveys a message, “I value our relationship more than myself.” Apologizing is a right thing, but it is very hard to put it into action. But the reason we still need to apologize is that we live together.

In particular, a family relationship lasts for a lifetime, not just one or two days. There are many cases where people who are close feel hurt because they are open with one another. Therefore, the closer you are to someone, the more easily you should apologize to them. If there is any sign of disagreement with your family member, apologize first, so that any misfortune that tries to come to your family can run far away.