Shame is an emotion we feel when we’ve done something wrong or made a mistake. More precisely, it doesn’t arise simply from the wrongdoing itself, but from the fear that others will now see us as flawed because of it. That’s why people who make mistakes respond to shame differently depending on how others react to them.
Dr. Anna Lembke, a professor of psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine, classifies shame into two types: “destructive shame” and “beneficial shame.” Destructive shame leads people to feel inferior, plunging them into depression, despair, or rebellion—especially when they are met with scolding or blame from others. Beneficial shame, on the other hand, includes a sincere desire to reflect on one’s mistake and not repeat it. It arises when correction is given, but with warmth, encouragement, and support.
In this sense, shame is a necessary emotion—it helps us recognize when we’ve done something wrong. Without it, we might become desensitized to inappropriate behavior. However, harsh criticism and blame only push someone further into a corner and rarely lead to real change. It is patience and love that guide shame in a beneficial direction, turning it into a stepping stone for personal growth.