You Can Communicate with Your Child

It is almost never quiet in a home with a child. Once a child begins to understand the meaning of what people say and express his opinions, the wrestle between his parents and him begins in earnest. Although a child is so lovely, when he acts so stubbornly and throws a tantrum, his parents might feel like leaving everything behind.

Perhaps, it is natural for a child to act up. Since he too is a human being, he wants certain things and thinks in his own way. Although a child is immature mentally and physically and needs someone to guide him, you shouldn’t look down on him just because he is young; rather, you need to help him think and understand. If you treat your child with an attitude that he must listen to you no matter what, thinking, ‘What can a child know?’ then your struggle with him will never end.

“If we want to let our children understand what is in our hearts and have a true conversation with them, we need to regard them as human beings who have discernment, who understand what we are saying, and who are to be respected,” says Psychoanalyst Claude Halmos. But it doesn’t mean that you should treat a child like an adult or become his friend. The parents need authority to some degree and are responsible for leading their child to the right way. The way to do is through a friendly conversation.

What a child really wants

When someone is having a hard time, people usually say to him, “Cheer up.” Sometimes, however, he may be more consoled when he hears, “It must be hard for you”—an expression of understanding of how he feels. It is the same with a child. When your child can’t get his own way, he expresses his feeling by whining, giving vent to his anger, or crying. When he does that, if you speak words of empathy instead of browbeating him—“Stop crying!”—or criticizing him, he will feel better soon.

A child whose emotions are acknowledged by his parents grows strong physically and mentally. On the contrary, a child whose thoughts and feelings are not acknowledged while growing up accumulates anger. His anger about himself gets developed into a sense of inferiority, and his anger about people around him can be expressed as antisocial behavior or conflicts.

A child is likely to follow the person he likes more than what is right and reasonable, and it is needless to say that the one he likes is the person who understands what is in his mind. When the parents first show their child their family bond, he can feel attached to his parents. When there is no sense of connection, even if the parents teach what is right, the child wouldn’t want to listen. It is more important than anything else for a child to have trust in his parents that his mom and dad always understand him and support him. That is the very beginning of a conversation.

How to have an empathetic conversation with a child

1. Open your ears

Just by the parents’ listening to their child, the child feels loved by them and puts his trust in them. Sometimes, when the parents listen to their child’s problem with extra care, it really helps him solve his problem and move on. When the parents listen, they should pay attention to what their child says, with an intention to understand him. If they see with friendly eyes and nod and agree enthusiastically, saying, “You did?” or “You’re right,” then it is more effective.

If the parents are not in a situation where they can pay attention to what the child tries to say, they should excuse themselves, asking, “Can we please talk later? I’m sorry but I have to get this done first.” It is much better than listening to them halfheartedly while doing something else or saying, “Don’t you see I am busy? Go over there!”

2. Answer a child’s question wholeheartedly

“Mom, what is this?” “Dad, why is it like that?” Children are full of curiosity and have many questions. They repeat why until they get a satisfying answer, and often ask questions that are beside the mark. When a child asks a question, his parents should answer wholeheartedly. The answer doesn’t need to be scientific or professional. As long as the explanation is good enough for the child to understand, it is good. When the parents answer their child’s questions and respond to him, he feels respected. If the parents pay no attention to the child’s questions or feel bothered and say, “You don’t need to know that,” the child loses confidence and stops asking; in some serious cases, the child may even stop thinking at all because he doesn’t want his feelings to get hurt by asking a question. If it is hard to answer the question, the parents can ask the child back, “What do you think?” and help him find the answer on his own.

3. Pay a child a compliment

A compliment pleases people, encourages them, and makes them feel they are acknowledged. The compliment’s positive effects are even greater in case of children because they can learn what the right thought and behavior is. If you compliment your child on his right behavior, he will try to do it more often. Naturally, his bad behaviors will decrease.

When complimenting your child, you need to be specific. If you just say, “You are a genius,” or “You are great,” then your child may not know why he is complimented. Try to be more specific. For example, if you say, “You’re great because you’re doing your best,” “I like how you greet,” or “Mom is happy because you put your toys back all by yourself,” then your child can understand why he is complimented and will feel good.

4. Don’t forget to keep your promise

Keeping a promise is very important in building up trust. Once you promise something with your child, no matter how small it is, you must keep it. Children hardly forget a promise they make with their parents, and they even remember the things that their parents said unclearly. So, if you take your promise lightly and don’t keep it, your child will lose his trust in you. If you don’t think you can keep your promise, it is better not to make one from the first place.

If you failed to keep a promise for an unavoidable reason, you need to explain in detail why you couldn’t keep it. Your child will learn the importance of a promise from your attitude. It is also important to express how bad you feel about not being able to keep the promise so that your child can feel a sense of kinship.

5. Copy speech

“Copy speech” is to repeat after what the other person says. If your child says, “I don’t like having too much homework,” or “I don’t like going to school,” try saying, “You don’t like having too much homework, right?” or “I guess there is something you don’t like about going to school,” instead of, “What’s wrong with you?” Then he will open his heart, knowing his parents understand how he feels. You can also have a conversation by using the copy speech. “Daddy, do you know what I drew?” “What is it that you drew?” “It’s a car,” “Wow, it’s a car!” “It can transform, too,” “Wow, it can transform, too?” If you use the copy speech, you can have a bond of sympathy with your child and converse with him for a long time.

What should I do in this case?

1. When your child cries and asks for the impossible

It is not right to give what your child wants just to stop him from whining temporarily. When you think you should not grant what your child asks, you have to show a consistent attitude. When you do that, your child can understand that it doesn’t work and will give up. If you allow everything when you are in a good mood, but get angry when you are in a bad mood, then your child will try to read your face and seek for opportunity to whine. It is better for you to do something else while letting your child cry alone. By doing that, you can give your child some time to control his emotions, and you can also prevent you from showing your feelings excessively. When your child calms down, give him a hug and explain to him what is right and wrong. You need to let him understand that you left him alone not because you don’t like him but because you want to correct his misbehavior, so that he can feel how much you love him as ever.

2. When your child tells lies

The reason people tell lies is that they assume they will get involved in an unfavorable situation if they tell the truth. For children, the unfavorable situation is a situation where they get scolded or punished. Children are tenderhearted, so they tend to lie easily even for a little concern. If the parents treat them like sinners or keep questioning them when they lie, they will bring up another lie out of fear. It is wrong to lie, but the parents too are responsible for making an environment or situation where they have to tell a lie.

If you first sympathize with your child, saying, “You said that because you didn’t want to disappoint me, right?” “You said that because you were scared,” he will be relieved and tell you the truth. It is not too late to tell him later that lying is bad. If your child lies, you need to check yourself to see whether or not you are too strict on him, and whether or not your child trusts in you. To someone who understands how he feels, he won’t feel the necessity of lying or won’t even feel like lying.

3. When your child talks back

When a child talks back, many times it is because he wants to show his opinion or express his feelings about an unfair situation as his sense of self has become stronger. You should not regard this behavior only as being rude or look down on him, saying, “What are you that you talk back to adults?” Rather, you need to stand on your child’s viewpoint and think about why he is saying that; because things that adults say may be regarded as an unreasonable demand or something that is hard for him to accept. Just as adults have resistance to orders or commands given in a commanding tone, children too have resistance to unilateral demands. It is not right to talk back, but you too need to accept your child’s opinion and explain to him in the way he can understand. If he still talks back and acts stubbornly, you need to explain to him why his thoughts are wrong.

4. When your child fumes

When your child is angry, the No. 1 priority is to help him calm himself down. You ought to sympathize with his feelings until he calms down and feels better. If you explain to him what is right or wrong and discipline him while he is still angry, you will only be rubbing his fur the wrong way. “Just get over with it!” or “Still, you shouldn’t have gotten mad”— basically, these are like telling him to suppress his emotions. You must not force a child to do things that are even hard for adults to do. No matter what the reason for his anger is, sympathize with his anger and hear him out why he got angry, saying, “You look angry. How can I make you feel better?” When you listen to him and agree with his feelings, he will feel better. After he completely calms down, explain to him so that he may understand the situation, or teach him how to deal with such a situation.

According to a survey from 600 children in Seoul, Korea, the No. 1 words children want to hear from their parents was “I love you.” Children are always in need of their parents’ love, and parents always want their children to be happy. Children’s happiness absolutely depends on the parents. The most valuable thing that the parents can do for their children’s happiness is becoming the best person whom their children can open up their minds and talk to.