Focus on Good Points of Your Family

“He’s too distracted and lacking in concentration.” “I’m worried that my child is indecisive.” “My wife is perfect in everything, but too strongly insists on her own way.” “I wish my husband will change his hot temper,” “My younger brother is so greedy.” . . .

When we talk about our family, we might often point out their shortcomings or what we are dissatisfied with rather than their strong points. In the world, there is not a single person who has merits or demerits alone. All people are imperfect with advantages and disadvantages. However, the human brain tends to look at negative qualities more than positive ones, so that you may make the error of clinging to one disadvantage more than ten advantages. This is why people tend to reproach their family more than praise.

If you point out the shortcomings of the other person and try to correct him or her, you will drift apart from them. In fact, even though you realize your shortcomings and try to correct them, it doesn’t go as you intend. Every person has his inborn temperament, and this forms his personality, mixed with acquired factors such as family background and social environment. If someone touches something you cannot control, can you accept it joyfully? If you can easily change your personality, you will not worry about yourself or cause any conflicts with others.

Both sides of a coin: advantage and disadvantage

Two men went to a famous restaurant. After eating, one man said. “This restaurant serves delicious food, but customers should have a long wait and it is too crowded.” But the other man had a different view, saying, “A restaurant that serves good food is always crowded. We waited long, but I’m satisfied because I enjoyed the food!”

Advantage and disadvantage are like both sides of a coin, so sometimes an advantage becomes a disadvantage and vice versa. What matters is one’s viewpoint. Strictly speaking, whether something is advantage or disadvantage is determined by the criteria of the person who evaluates it. As for the same person, some people say, “He’s indecisive” while others say, “He’s careful.” In other words, if you regard something as good, it becomes advantage; but if you regard it as bad, it becomes disadvantage.

The subjective thought of the evaluator can differ from the fact. What you regarded as an advantage does not always lead to good results, and what you consider to be a disadvantage does not necessarily lead to failure. What you regarded as a shortcoming can be useful for your growth as a source of strength.

Here is a story: War broke out in the kingdom of animal and soldiers gathered in one place. But animals complained here and there. “Giraffe is so tall that he’s easily spotted by our enemy.” “Ant is so small that he’s useless.” “What would this weak Rabbit do?” Then the captain Lion shouted, “The tall Giraffe will stand guard, the small Ant will act as a spy, and swift Rabbit shall be a messenger.”

What do you tell about the above two blue circles? The blue circles are equal in size. But they look different according to the size of the surrounding circles. The same is true of your point of view on the other person. If you regard his shortcomings as big, his strong points look small. Our brain is likely to miss positive qualities if we don’t intentionally try to find them out. Let us be tolerant of each other’s differences with an open mind and pay attention to the strengths of the other person.

Cover up weak points

A man who had a bright pearl found a small flaw on it and began to grind it to remove the flaw. No matter how hard he ground the pearl, the flaw did not go away, and eventually the pearl disappeared.

Aren’t you only trying to eliminate your family’s weaknesses? If you only focus on removing their flaws, you will become unhappy. It is not easy to tolerate your family member’s flaws. But as you are not flawless, either, you should try to improve him or her by showing your love and support. Even if a flaw is hardly corrected, it is better to cover it up and accept it if they do not cause you much inconvenience in your life. It’s because he or she is your family anyway.

If parents only look at their children’s weaknesses, they grow to be troublemakers with only weaknesses. The more you try to correct a flaw, the more noticeable it is. If you do not correct it, you will be anxious that your child may not be able to grow properly. Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, said, “The first step to changing people without offending them is to begin with appreciation for their strengths.” If you want to remedy other people’s weaknesses, you should look at their strengths. It is more important to give children confidence so that they may not be frustrated.

If you cover up the other person’s weaknesses, they will thank you for it forever. Everyone wants to be recognized by others. When your weaknesses are pointed out, you feel hurt. But when you are complimented, you feel good. How much you will be encouraged if someone sees your weakness from a different angle and regards it as good!

When you clasp your hands, each finger of one hand interlocks the corresponding finger of the other hand tightly, covering up the hollow parts of each other. Likewise, a true family covers up each other’s shortcomings and helps each other. Then they can have full trust in each other and are firmly bound together as a family that never breaks up like hand clasping.

Love seeks out the good in others

Margaret Wolfe Hungerford, an Irish writer, said, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and Sam Levenson, an American television host, said, “For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.” To maintain a good relationship, you need to pay attention to the strengths of the other person. It is impossible to have a good relationship as long as you have an unfavorable view of the person.

If you absentmindedly respond to the words and actions of the other person, or look at the person with prejudice, only his or her shortcomings will stand out. But if you try to find his or her strengths, you can discover as many positive qualities as you want; anything can be good, such as not lying and keeping his or her promise. If you find a good part of your family, speak highly of it. Your appropriate encouragement and compliment can motivate the other to become a better person.

If you are full of affection for the other person, the person looks beautiful no matter what he or she does. On the other hand, the person whom you are displeased with looks full of flaws. The key is love. Everyone has a tendency to see only strengths of the person he or she likes. In psychology, this is called the “Pink Lens Effect”; the person always looks lovely as if you are wearing pink glasses.

However, the pink lens effect also has its expiration date. As time goes by, you will gradually notice the other person’s flaws, and even what you regarded as a strong point may be felt as a weak point. But true love begins since then; because true love is to understand the other person’s weakness and cover up his or her flaws.

Your view of people or things ultimately determines how you are living. Finding good points of others changes you. People are influenced by how they themselves think and speak: If you focus on good points of others, you can have a positive view of the world; if you say about the other person’s good points with your lips, your point of view broadens. Thus, your compliment changes not only listeners but also yourself positively.

You rarely notice your shortcomings whereas others’ weaknesses are very noticeable. People say that the other person is your mirror, so his or her shortcomings you see may be yours. Seeing yourself reflected on the other person, discover what you have not noticed before and look back over your life. When you are troubled by someone’s shortcomings, someone else next to you may be struggling to cover up your shortcomings.

“The nobler sort of man emphasizes the good qualities in others, and does not accentuate the bad. The inferior does.” Confucius

Cover up shortcomings of your family with love, and generously compliment and encourage them for their good points. Helping your family display their strengths is more valuable gift than anything else.