Eyes, Where Heart to Heart Connections Are Made

“The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.” Audrey Hepburn

“The eyes of men converse as much as their tongues, with the advantage that the ocular dialect needs no dictionary, but is understood all the world over.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Windows allow people to see the outside from the inside and the inside from the outside. Even if there are walls all around, if there is a window, it lets sunlight and breeze in, making the house pleasant.

Our body also has an organ that is like a window. It is the eyes. Eyes play a very important role in our body. Among the sensory organs, the organ that sends most amount of work to the brain is the eyes; about 80% of the information the brain takes care of is inputted through vision.

Eyes not only help us see the world and perceive objects, but also function as a window that shows the inner self to others. Just as people say, “The eyes are the windows to the soul,” the eyes expose a person’s emotions. The eyes react prior to the verbal response and body gesture, and sometimes what is in one’s heart is delivered through the eyes when it cannot be expressed enough through the words. The eyes play a vital role during communication.

Eyes Speak Silently

According to the theory published by Albert Mehrabian, a professor of psychology, communication is only 7 percent verbal and 93 percent non-verbal. 55% out of the 93% non-verbal elements are facial expression, and the core factor of a facial expression is of course the eyes. If you say, “I’m happy to meet you,” raising your mouth corners without moving the muscles around your eyes, you will not look happy to meet that person at all. The message through the eyes is more powerful than the message through the mouth.

When looking at an object that makes you feel satisfied or feel a positive emotion, your eyes are relaxed and your eyebrows become an arch shape. When you have a misunderstanding or a conflict with another, you avoid eye contact; and when you feel embarrassed or make a mistake, you cannot make eye contact. When you are angry, you gaze intently with narrowed eyes; and when you think something or someone is suspicious, you squint your eyes. When you are surprised, you open your eyes big; and when you feel disgusted, you frown your eyes. When you are overwhelmed with sadness, tears come out of your eyes. Also, when you are nervous or are lying, you blink often.

The pupil, which controls the amount of light according to surrounding brightness, not only reacts to light, but also responds by the autonomic nervous system. When one feels unpleasant or angry, the pupils become small, and when one feels interested in an object they are looking at, or when one learns a new and wonderful fact, the pupils enlarge. When one is surprised or in panic, the pupils vibrate.

The response in the eyes is an automatic reflex, which cannot be controlled. That’s why it is hard to express what is not in your mind with your eyes; though it is possible with words. Through the truthful eyes, you read the others’ minds, and at the same time your mind is read by the others.

What Happens Through Eye Contact

Infants who cannot talk yet perceive their parents’ love through skin contact and eye contact. When parents look at their baby with affection, the baby feels emotional stability and a strong bond can be formed between them. Nursing or feeding the baby with formula while making eye contact not only gives nutrition to the baby for the physical development but also for emotional development.

Researchers at the University of Cambridge carried out a study to explore what happens in infants’ brains when they make eye contact. When an infant and an adult made eye contact, wearing skull caps with electrodes attached, their brainwaves were synchronized. Brainwaves are electrical impulses emitted by the activities of the nerve cells in the brain. Expressions like “To be on the same wavelength” make sense scientifically. From this point of view, the fact that the brainwaves of a baby who cannot talk yet are synchronized with those of an adult can be interpreted that the baby is sending a signal to the adult through the eyes that he or she wants to communicate.

There is an insistence that constant eye contact between a parent and a child from childhood reduces the likelihood of the child becoming a juvenile delinquent. A research team of psychology at the University of New South Wales in Australia had an experiment on sixty teenagers who tend to be rebellious and aggressive. One thing that they had in common was that they tried to avoid eye contact with others. Researchers showed various different images and observed them through a pupilometer and MRI. As a result, their brains reacted strongly to the images that induce emotional empathy. The professor who led the experiment said, “When trying to correct children’s wrong behavior, it’s more helpful to make eye contact and share each other’s feelings than to get angry or treat them forcefully, to suppress their rebellious spirit.”

Some other experiments targeting adults, too, report that even simple eye contact increases favorability for each other. Through all these researches, we can conclude that people, whether a child or an adult, feel happy when they receive kind and warm looks from other people. A simple act of eye contact produces hormones of love and happiness such as phenethylamine and oxytocin.

Conversations With a Warm Gaze

Can it be possible to make a heartfelt conversation without looking at each other? When you talk to someone, if he answers with his eyes fixed on his smartphone or TV, or if he does not focus on the conversation but keeps looking away, you will not want to continue talking to him. It is not too much to say that your heart is where your eyes are fixed. If you look at something else during conversation with a person, it is not only rude but it is also like telling the person that you have something more important than him or her.

A genuine conversation is accompanied with a warm gaze. Gazing at the eyes of the speaker is a sure way to show that you are listening, and it is a powerful message that you want to hear what they say. People begin to speak what is in their minds once their hearts are open through eye contact. Even if you are not a good talker, you can have a heartfelt conversation through your attentive eyes and listening. When someone talks to you while you are focused on something, you are apt to answer without looking at the person. However, if you stop what you are doing and say, making eye contact with the other person, “I’m so sorry, but can we talk when I’m done with this?” then he or she can feel respected.

Making eye contact doesn’t mean that you should stare at the person you are talking to or having your eyes fixed on the other person’s eyes the whole time you are talking. It is important to move your gaze naturally from the middle of the forehead, to the bridge of the nose, and to the philtrum, and to the chin with a gentle smile, making an warm atmosphere for the other person to feel comfortable, having a conversation. Just as the eyes of combat sport athletes during the fight are different from the eyes of a mom looking at her baby, the eyes look different, depending on the mind. Avoiding eye contact slightly when talking about sad and heartbreaking news or about each other’s mistakes and faults could help the other person feel more comfortable.

When you have a different opinion from your spouse or when you discipline your children, giving a warm gaze helps lead the situation to be good. Frowning or giving a steely look or a displeased look blocks the conversation. Looking someone up and down or looking down at someone should be avoided because it gives a sense of contempt to the other person.

Check for yourself what kind of message your eyes are giving to your family. Aren’t your eyes telling them that TV or smartphones are more important than them? Aren’t your eyes making them close their hearts by giving an irritated or angry look? To our precious family members, let us show love and affection with our soft and warm eyes, and convey cheer and encouragement with our twinkling and lively eyes. Humans grow and gain strength to keep on living, receiving love from the eyes of other people.

When the windows get dirty, you can neither see the outside world from the inside nor see what is inside from the outside. The same is true for the invisible window of the heart. Let’s often clean the windows of our hearts with understanding, tolerance, and positive thinking. When the window of the heart is clean, we can look at the world brightly, and show our sincere hearts to other people. When two people with such eyes are reflected in each other’s eyes, a heart to heart connection can be made.