Right Words and Considerate Words

“Honey, isn’t this coffee cup so pretty? I bought a set of cups on sale today.”

“How many cups do we already have? I think you’re spending too much.”

“We have several cups, but not with this design. Don’t be so stingy with inexpensive things!”

“Whether it’s expensive or not, there’s no reason to buy them.”

“If others hear you say that, they will think I am a big spender.”

“I don’t mean it.”

“That’s enough. Stop please!”

The wife was making great efforts to save money as much as she could. Usually, she is meticulous in buying things that are even at a discount. So she was happy to buy the coffee cups that she wanted to buy at a cheap price. She was excited at the thought of having coffee in the new cups with her husband. But her husband criticized her that she was offended.

The husband, too, had good reasons. A new cup doesn’t make coffee taste better, and there were already enough cups at home. He couldn’t understand why his wife bought more cups. In order to pay off the debt and pay the children’s tuition, they had to rather spare their living expenses. In that situation, the wife seemed to be spending money unnecessarily. So he wanted to give advice to her for the domestic economy. He had no intention of making his wife feel bad. As he thought that he was right, he hoped that his wife, too, would reasonably accept it. As a result, however, they made each other feel unpleasant.

Even honey tastes bitter when you take it as medicine

Sometimes, you cannot understand other people’s words or actions. If they have nothing to do with you, you will just ignore the situation, but if they are a close person, especially your family member, you will not pass it but point it out and give advice. Then, you will be satisfied. Since you love your family and care for them more than anyone else, you may take it for granted that you should tell them to fix their wrongs.

However, that often results in conflict. Though you said for the other person’s sake, he does not admit and correct his fault with gratitude but gets angry or feels disappointed. At times, bad feelings between them deepen and their conversation is cut off. Then, the person who advised rationalizes himself: ‘I talked sense,’ ‘Who else will tell him the truth?’ ‘I said that for his good, but he’s narrow-minded.’

If then, is the person who doesn’t accept others’ advice narrow-minded? To advise is to give the other person a good talking about his fault or defect. If the advice works well, it can be a great remedy by correcting his shortcomings and making him a better person. However, as a saying goes, “Even honey tastes bitter if you take it as medicine,” people don’t like to be advised or pointed out even though the words are beneficial and helpful to them. Even strong ties can collapse at once by one word of advice. Even the person who is ready to accept advice, saying, “Feel free to advise me if I do wrong,” gets offended if he is advised.

Although you said with a good intention, if the other person closes his mind, the problem must’ve been the method. The reason he does not accept your advice is because of lack of your consideration, apart from knowing right from wrong. Sometimes, in the name of advice, criticism and rebuke are given without considering the mood or situation of the other person. If you blurt out or snap at the other person, displeased with his words or deeds, it is not genuine advice. Moreover, no one can humbly accept such reproaches and reproofs.

Inconsiderate advice is nothing but blame

Even if the other person’s thoughts and actions are obviously wrong, you must not blame or point it out directly, or you will offend the other person. As defensive mechanisms work in a bad mood, even if you are right, you cannot change the other person’s mind but come to invite his resistance; this is human psychology.

The purpose of advice and recommendation is not to hold a lead by making known that you are right and the other person is wrong, but to let him turn from the wrong direction to the right path. Your wish that he would become a better person should be felt. In order for the listener to recognize and correct his fault, your sincerity must be conveyed. Therefore, advice works only when your care and sincere affection for the other person are based on your heart. If you don’t really care about the other person, you may be better off not doing it.

Although you have an interest and affection for the other person, your advice may hurt the other person’s pride, so you need to be more careful than ever. When a disciple of Yi Hwang (prominent Korean Confucian scholar of the Joseon Dynasty) asked, “If my brother does wrong, shouldn’t I tell him the fault?” he replied, “First of all, do your best to impress him. Only then will you not hurt your brotherly love. If you only rebuke him without any sincerity, you will become estranged from each other.”

As Yi Hwang said, you need to think about whether you are caring about the other person as much as he can fathom your sincerity. In addition, you should think carefully about how the other person’s mind will not be hurt, and talk one-on-one after creating a good mood. Do not advise directly or before many people. The conclusion must be positive and hopeful. Timely advice becomes medicine, but if any pressure is felt, it can be poison. It is you who give advice, but it’s up to the other person whether he would accept it or not. So you don’t need to reject him or feel disappointed even if he doesn’t accept it.

The wise speak what is necessary but do not make the other person an enemy. This means that even the right words should be spoken in a respectful manner. It is very difficult to give advice without hurting the other person’s heart. The Chinese words “忠告” for advice mean “to persuade somebody earnestly.” The word “忠” means “with all his heart.” Advice that comes out easily is not genuine advice. Since it is so difficult a task, you need to make it with great care.

What is better than advice

It is written in The Analects of Confucius, “In serving one’s prince importunity results in disgrace; and importunity between friends results in estrangement.” Even sincere advice for the other person becomes nagging when repeated. Advice should be cautious in the process and you should also be careful in deciding if you should advise. You need to think if the other person can accept your advice, if you are qualified to advise him or her, and if you can judge the other person’s defect as a defect. What you consider right is just a judgment from your point of view and may not be true.

It is important to say right things to people close to you, but what is more important is to care for them. Sometimes it’s hard to understand the faults and errors that the other person is making, but the other person too has reasonable reasons for what he says and does. Because personal experiences and stories are different, what you think is important may not be important to the other person.

Everyone likes those who praise him, and doesn’t want to be close to those who advise and point out his flaw. If you try to advise the other person awkwardly or lead him as you please without knowing everything about him, you may rouse his antipathy. It is better to listen and encourage him instead of giving advice.

Instead of giving advice about what your family has done wrong, compliment them on what they are doing well, and silently support them. In the above conversation between a husband and his wife, if the husband had said, “You have an eye for it,” or “Whatever cup you use, the coffee you make is the best,” the atmosphere would have changed. It is not too late to ask her to save the living expenses at a proper time later.

If you are in a position of giving advice to others, you may feel that you are a better person and you may not see your own fault. In fact, most people don’t practice 100% of what they believe is right. You are not always wise and reasonable. Even though you go beyond all reason, according to your situation and mood, you may justify yourself with this and that reason. Ironically, you do not recognize your own shortcomings but see others’ very well.

The best advice is that you yourself become an example to others first. No matter how much you tell the truth, if your attitude or life is different from what you say, the listener will not follow you. Your living a positive and right life itself has a good impact on others and leads them to change.

You cannot help but receive tips and advice from your families and others in your life, whether you want it or not. If someone gives you advice, you should be willing to listen. Even if the adviser is poor in expression, you should be grateful if he told you your mistake that you didn’t realize. It is not pleasant to listen to advice, but it gives you a chance to correct your wrong words and habits.

It is difficult both to give advice and accept it. Both can only be done when you humble yourself. If you remember this, you will not hurt your precious family nor be hurt by them.