A Family That Can Communicate Is a Happy Family!

Many people say that they are afraid to go abroad or to meet foreigners because they cannot communicate with them. Probably, there is nothing as frustrating as being unable to communicate. Sometimes, people feel distressed from failing to communicate even with someone who speaks the same language. If that person is someone unrelated to you, you can simply avoid them; people naturally get close to someone they can communicate with and far from someone they cannot communicate.

However, if that someone you cannot communicate with is in your family, it is a serious problem. Nothing would be more distressful than having to live with someone you cannot communicate with in the same house all your life. Even if someone satisfies every condition, if he or she is someone you cannot communicate with, then it will be hard for you to accept him or her as your spouse. It is because a smooth conversation between family members is an important criterion of happiness.

When you look into a family without conversations, the reason they do not try to talk is mostly because “they cannot communicate.” When people can’t communicate with someone, they don’t talk. In fact, a more dangerous family than a family that has arguments to see who’s right and who’s wrong or to get their opinions across, is a family that has stopped talking.

Parents and children that communicate

“Mom, I think the rabbit is sick. / Did you get 100 points on the pop quiz? // The rabbit’s been sneezing. / Did you do your homework? // He doesn’t even want any carrots. / Write your diary first!” (Kim Mi-hye, Umbrella of a Baby Magpie, Changbi, 2005)

It is a children’s poem with the title, “Impossible to Communicate.” If their conversation is like this every time, in the child’s mind, his mom will be imprinted as someone he cannot communicate with, and he will close his door of conversation with his mom. Many parents misunderstand that they are having a conversation with their children when they are nagging, disciplining, or pointing out their faults. A conversation is not a speech which is to talk to the audience unilaterally. A conversation is to share the minds just like ping pong.

According to a survey conducted by the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family of Korea in 2016 for 1,000 parents and 635 elementary students, both the parents and the children thought that “the parents who give ear to their children and have many conversations with them” are good parents. To have a real conversation that can satisfy the child, intimacy has to be built between the parent and the child. If you say to your son, “Let’s talk,” in a cold atmosphere, the child will feel timid and won’t be able to express his thoughts.

Doing something together is helpful to establish intimacy between the parent and the child. Whether it is exercising or playing or going out together, if you do things together, you can naturally talk, and you can talk in a relaxed atmosphere. When communicating with the child, the parents should be careful not to talk too much but let the child talk more. Also, you need to be careful not to question your child or ask too many questions with an excuse that you want to give them a chance to talk.

Rather than saying, “What’s wrong with you?” or “You should do this way,” express what you think, how you feel, or what you wish: “I hope you’ll be dressed neatly,” or “I want you to get organized” or “When you have complaints, it would be better if you could explain it instead of getting upset.” Then you can talk a lot more softly, which allows the listener to have less resistance.

However, it is not right to let your child do just the way he wants unconditionally, just because you want to be a parent who can communicate with your child. You need to respect your child’s will, but when it comes to a wrong thought or conduct, you must teach and discipline him in his eye level.

Actually, no parent can have perfect communication with his child. Since a child is also a human being with his thoughts, it is natural that parents and children are sometimes confronted. What is important is that in a situation where the parent is confronted with the child, the parent must control his emotions, understand the child’s mind, and solve the situation smoothly. Of course, it is easier said than done. However, if you keep trying with the belief that there is no problem that cannot be solved through conversations, the day will come when the child will say, “I can communicate with Mom (Dad).”

A husband and wife who communicate

A)

“I think the soup is a little bland.”

“Salty food is not good for you.”

“I didn’t say I want it salty. I just said it’s a little bland.”

“It tastes just fine to me.”

“To you it is, but it’s bland to me.”

“You are just a picky eater.”

“I’m not picky at all. And this isn’t being picky!”

“Then why don’t you cook yourself?”

B)

“Honey, thank you for preparing dinner for me.”

“You’re welcome. I hope you like it.”

“The soup is delicious but I think it’ll taste better if you add just a little more seasoning to it.”

“I tasted and thought it was fine but I guess it wasn’t enough. Do you want some more seasoning in it?”

“I think a little more soy sauce would be nice.”

“Yeah? Hold on one second.”

“I’m sorry for the trouble.”

“No problem. I’ll do better next time.”

Which couple do you think has better communication, A or B? As for the couple A, there is no way they can communicate because they both talk in a self-centered way. As for the couple B, we can tell that they are respectful and caring for each other. As a result, what could lead them to conflicts turns into an opportunity to build love and trust.

In many cases, couples argue not because they don’t love each other, but because they don’t have a good communication skill. In a poor conversation, when one person loses his temper, that’s when they fight. When their patience reaches its limit by a sarcastic remark like, “You are always like that” or try to avoid the situation, saying, “Whatever,” then their conversation ends there.

When you are convinced that you’ve done nothing wrong, it is hard to step back. And if you just blame the other person’s personality, thinking, ‘That’s not what I meant. He took it the wrong way. It’s because he is too sensitive,’ then it will only build a wall of communication higher. It is for the listener to judge what you said. If you think, ‘Although I had a good intention, if the listener felt offended, it is my fault,’ then you will be able to willingly make a concession even if you don’t completely agree with the way it is being handled.

The effort to understand and to be considerate also belongs to the category of love. In any case, if you are self-controlled and engaged in a conversation in a gentle tone of voice, the love and trust of you and your spouse can deepen and you will be able to communicate with each other.

A speaker and a listener

Some people like to talk easily and simply, cutting off all the additional explanations, thinking, ‘This should be clear enough to understand,’ whereas some people mention every detail in order to get their opinions across. In the former case, the listener may not understand the message and the intention of the speaker because many parts are omitted, and in the latter case, the listener may get tired. In conversations, sometimes you become a speaker, and sometimes a listener. Therefore, the speaker must be considerate of the listener, and vice versa.

There is an expression that was once famous in Korea; it is “answer-set-you.” It is a neologism meaning, “The answer is already set in stone; all you have to do is give me that answer.” In other words, you want to hear a certain answer although you’re asking the other person’s opinions. For example, let’s say a wife makes food with all her heart and asks her husband if the food tastes good. In this case, what the wife wants to hear is, “It tastes good.”

This is not a bad situation. However, if you set an answer in your mind every time and consider all other people’s answers wrong, you won’t be able to agree with their answers and will end up insisting on your thoughts even more strongly. If you only say what you want to say and only listen to what you want to hear, it is difficult to create true communication. Do we not have a habit of thinking, “I am always right,” and cut off other person’s words and thinking about what you are going to say next, instead of giving ear to what the other says?

People say that the most ideal family is a family that can communicate even when they don’t talk, but it doesn’t mean that that kind of family has no need to talk, but that they can read each other’s mind. Until such an ideal family can be formed, we experience trial and error and build trust and a bond through many conversations.

If we are full of ourselves, there is no room for others to come in. Then we literally become stuffy and stubborn people. Just as the wind instruments which are empty inside make a clear and deep sound as air goes through them, people must have room for other people to come in and out in their hearts to be able to make a soft resonance of communication.

We need to practice emptying ourselves because people we can communicate with aren’t naturally decided, but it depends on how much we try to adjust ourselves to them.