How to Negotiate for a Good Relationship

“Almost everything is negotiable.”

This is a quote from Herb Cohen, an American negotiation expert. When it comes to a negotiation, most people would imagine an intense and close match for important issues such as an international negotiation and a salary negotiation. However, negotiation is not a special mission just for foreign diplomats or businessmen. Narrowing differences in opinions such as negotiating the price of a product at the market, deciding the lunch menu with a co-worker, or dividing household chores with family members, or deciding the amount of pocket money for a child is a type of negotiation. Although we don’t necessarily sit facing with someone at the table in a formal way, our daily life is a series of negotiations just as Herb Cohen said.

If everyone could satisfy their needs on their own or if two parties’ desires always matched, there would be no conflict in the world. However, in reality, there are more things that are hard to be handled by oneself, and there are so many cases where two people have different opinions but neither side wants to step back easily. This is why we need conversation and compromise in order to reach an amicable agreement for big and small conflicts that constantly occur in our lives.

Negotiation is more important for a closer relationship, because even a small act can affect each other. When a situation that could lead to a conflict is solved smoothly through conversation and compromise, mutual trust strengthens and it is also followed by satisfaction. Let’s learn how to negotiate and use it in the moments when it is needed.

Expressions of Negative Emotions Make It Hard to Negotiate

Everyone thinks and reacts differently even in the same situation, and they have their own reasons for that. If you overlook this and always think that you are right and that the other person is wrong, it is likely to arouse a negative feeling. This is why most people think that ‘it is reasonable to get angry’ for the matters beyond their common sense. When feeling disadvantaged or defeated in a conflict with someone, most people push their insistence more strongly. This can also cause them to confront the other person emotionally.

Expressing negative feelings such as displeasure, annoyance, and anger is the biggest obstacle in a negotiation. When you become too emotional, you lose composure, being unable to explain what you want, and it could be led to an argument as you raise your voice and say things that irritate the other person. Then, the negotiation ends, only hurting each other’s feelings, instead of fulfilling the original goal.

When the other person is angry or unreasonable, it is ineffective and unwise to return tit for tat. However, if you give in to preposterous demands to make the other person feel happy or avoid the problem or gloss over it, it could cause a greater confusion and conflict. When the other person is angry, it is better to respect their feelings first, help them calm down, and then calmly and honestly explain what you felt disappointed in. What is important is that you need to make a distinction between the person and the problem. You may describe your thoughts on the other person’s suggestion or agenda, but you should not judge or criticize their personality or thinking ability.

When the spouse breaks the promise

“You are selfish and don’t care about your promises.” (Bad)
“I feel upset when you don’t keep the promise.” (Good)

When your child pesters you to buy them an expensive item

“Stop talking nonsense.” “Are you even listening to yourself?” (Bad)
“I’m sorry, but I can’t buy you everything you want.” (Good)

When the food you and someone else want is different

“I’m not going to eat what I don’t want to eat!” “That’s not delicious. Why would you want to eat that?” (Bad)
“How about you decide what to eat for the meal, and I decide the desert?” (Good)

Understand the “Want” Hidden in the “Demand”

You need to explain properly what you want for an amicable agreement, but what is even more important is to understand what the other person wants. Just as the part of the glacier you see is not everything but a large portion of it is hidden under the surface, you ought to think, ‘Why is he demanding such a thing?’ and understand their want hidden inside the demand; then there will be a larger range of solutions. It’s because even if the other person’s want cannot be accepted as it is, the want can be met by seeking another way.

In order to know properly what the other person wants, you need to ask a proper question and pay attention to the answer. Sometimes, we guess what the other person demands, or talk under the assumption that the other person knows what I know. Conflicts often occur from lack of communication. Therefore, solutions can be found quite easily just by paying attention to what the other person says. However, be careful about the expressions you use because expressions like “Why?” “What for?” can make the other person misunderstand that you don’t want to satisfy their demands.

One business school in Korea divided the students into two groups: The students of one group turned down the other people’s suggestions by refuting their opinions, and the students of the other group turned down the other people’s suggestions after expressing empathy for their opinions. Afterwards, the people whose suggestions were turned down were asked how satisfied they were with the results of the negotiation. Although they were both turned down, the group whose opinions got empathy expressed satisfaction with the negotiation.

Showing empathy to what the other person speaks is important. Once you create a bond of empathy, you are no longer enemies but partners to cooperate to solve the problem together. Most of the time, people feel safe or even satisfied when they feel that the other person absolutely understands how they feel and what they want. Therefore, the other person can continue conversation with an open mind when you express your empathy for their wants even if you cannot grant them.

When children refuse to brush their teeth

Children cannot explain logically why they do not like to brush their teeth. Although it apparently seems that they just don’t like to brush their teeth, in actuality they might not like the spicy taste of toothpaste, or the parent’s forceful way of making them brush their teeth. You need to ask the children in a way they can understand your question, and once you find out the reason, you need to acknowledge their feelings and express empathy with them. You can help them reduce their resistance against brushing the teeth by getting a toothpaste with good scent or a toothbrush with your child’s favorite character on it, and praise them when they brush their teeth on their own.

The wife has opened the curtain to let the sunlight in, but the husband wants to close it

The wife explains why she has opened the curtain and asks her husband why he wants to close it. He must have a reason why he wants to close the curtain, such as because he can’t see the TV screen, or he wants to take a nap, or he doesn’t want people outside to be able to see the inside of their house. When your husband explains the reason, express empathy and try to find a way to satisfy both. You can suggest an alternative such as closing the curtain just enough for the TV to be in the shade or giving him a sleep mask or closing the curtain after a certain amount of time.

A Successful Negotiation to Maintain a Good Relationship

There are three different types of negotiation results. One is that neither side is satisfied, and another one is that only one side is satisfied, and the last one is that both sides feel satisfied and look forward to the next step. It is needless to say that the most ideal result is the negotiation where both parties feel satisfied.

In order to have a successful result that satisfies both parties, your negotiation should focus on the relationship rather than on benefits. A negotiation that focuses on win or lose, and on which party gets more visible benefits, is not likely to bring a good result. Also, even if one party gets benefits, if it hurts the relationship, it is failure in the long term.

Most people think that an elaborate plan and eloquent speech are essential for an amicable agreement. However, the factor that decides success and failure of conversation is the way of talking and the attitude. You will only make the other person close their hearts if you push forward with logic or drive them to the wall, giving the reason why they have to submit. Therefore, you need to open the other person’s heart with a friendly attitude and in a soft and gentle tone, as well as create a good atmosphere.

What you ought to think is: ‘How can we understand each other better and reach an amicable agreement so that we can keep a good relationship?’ rather than ‘How can I beat them?’ It is a successful negotiation when you demand what you want and the other person feels joyful even after you have fulfilled your goal. Depending on the situation, it may be better to build trust and strengthen the relationship even if you suffer a loss right at the moment. It’s because you can expect a much better result from the next negotiation if you build up a relationship through proper concession and compromise.

“Yes, but” technique for a successful negotiation

People automatically have a negative feeling when they hear a reply that starts with “No” for their suggestion. This causes them to feel like resisting rather than agreeing no matter how reasonable the explanation is that follows. Let’s have a positive and open conversation that suggests “Yes, but it will be possible this way” by using the “Yes, but” technique instead of “No, because.”

The closer a relationship is like family, the more disappointed you feel when the other member has a different opinion or want. However, a quarrel normally starts from the attitude of ignoring the other person or refuting them rather than the difference in opinions. A close family is not a family that doesn’t need compromise, but a family that acknowledges differences in opinions and wants and adjusts them through compromise and conversation.

In reality, it is not easy to give up on what you really want or what you think is right. However, since you cannot get everything you want, you need to focus on cooperation rather than insisting on your own will. Let’s try to have a positive and joyful mind. Instead of viewing the problem as an obstacle, let’s handle it wisely and view it as an opportunity to advance. If you express your will to solve the problem through conversation, no matter how extreme the situation is, and give your family members the faith that “you still respect and love them,” you will be able to reach an agreement that will satisfy both.