Happy Family Does Not Say, “It’s Your Fault!”

While two people were walking in the street, one of them found a wallet on the ground. “Wow, I’m lucky today. I got free money!” said the person who found the wallet. Then the man who was ac​companying him flew into a rage and said, “Well, I suggested that we go this way, so half of the money is mine.”

Then suddenly the wallet owner appeared. “I got you! You stole my wallet.” The one who found the wallet said as if it was unfair, “I just saw it lying on the ground and picked it up. And I wasn’t going to take all the money. I was going to share it with my friend here.” Then the person next to him played innocent and said, “You should’ve said we should find its owner when you spotted the wallet!”

People tend to thank themselves if things go well, and blame others if things don’t go well. We often see people blame each other when things don’t go the way they want or the outcome is not good. In the big border called the country, people blame politicians, a ruling party blames opposition parties, and opposition parties blame the ruling party. In workplaces, employees are busy blaming each other, saying, “I don’t want to go to work because of this person and that person,” or, “This person is terrible at his job.” It is the same at home. Some blame their parents for being unable to afford to give them private lessons when they don’t get good grades at school, and some parents blame their children for stressing them, and some people blame their spouses for the quality of their marriage lives. In order to find an excuse somehow and avoid taking responsibility, some even blame the weather.

However, there is a saying that goes, “A master calligrapher doesn’t blame the brush, and a great musician doesn’t blame the musical instrument.” It means that you have to develop your abilities before blaming the tool. When it comes to family members, if you only blame others for everything, you will only create more conflicts. Before you blame others, you need to check yourself first.

Blaming others is an easy choice

There are times when bad things happen in life, and sometimes we face unexpected obstacles. However, people tend to praise themselves when things go well, and blame others when things don’t go well. When the outcome is bad, they turn their attention to the outside and look for millions of reasons why it happened that way.

People have defense mechanisms to protect themselves, and among them the psychological phenomenon to blame others is called projection. When one is put in a situation he can’t accept, or he is struck with great sorrow and agony, he uses projection—a defense mechanism—unconsciously.

One of the reasons why people easily blame others is that it is an easy way to escape the crisis. It is an intention to be on a safe side first, not caring what situation other people would be put in. Actually, it is very uncomfortable and difficult to acknowledge one’s own faults or mistakes. Everybody wants to be evaluated as a perfect and right person. That is why people tend to feel like it’s not fair and they are afraid they would look incapable, if they admit their faults. In such situations, they can easily ease their minds by putting the blame on others.

The tendency to find the cause of a problem from the outside without acknowledging one’s own mistake is stronger in little children who are not mature yet. When they are put in an unfavorable situation, they try to avoid the crisis by making many excuses like: “I couldn’t go to the private lesson because my friends asked me to play with them,” “I couldn’t bring what I needed for the class because my mom didn’t remind me,” or, “My little brother broke my toy.”

The attitude of habitually blaming others or attributing the cause of the problem to others is like revealing his immaturity. Whenever we are about to blame others, let’s think about it once again. And let’s remember that it might be a behavior that is more for an immature child.

Things that the words “because of you” take away

An American airline company drove the public into rage worldwide by dragging off a passenger by force although the passenger had bought a ticket and was on board rightfully. It was because the passenger did not respond to the airline’s request to get off the plane due to overbooking. The airline company blamed the customer, saying that they had to drag him off because he was being aggressive, but then they later admitted their fault as criticism became severe. However, it was after the company’s shares had already dropped and the customers’ trust in that company had already crashed to the bottom.

If one puts blame on someone else, there can’t be any development in individuals, companies, and countries. It’s because the person cannot find things to fix or things he is missing since he believes he did nothing wrong, and he repeats the same mistake as he believes it right.

If one wastes his time, only blaming the world, surroundings, and others, it is only himself who suffers loss. Situations and surroundings and other people are beyond his control, and the only one he can control is himself. So, if he only blames things that are out of his control and does not try to change himself, there is nothing he can gain.

Xun Kuang (荀子), a Chinese philosopher, said, “Those who blame others always get in trouble, and those who blame heaven do not grow.” When one thinks that it was someone else’s fault that something went wrong, he comes to blame that person and it will cause anger.

Let’s say a student who’s preparing for a test asked his mom to wake him up early in the morning. His mom went to bed late while waiting for her husband who came back home late, and she didn’t wake up early enough to wake up her son. The son, who was going to be late for school, blamed his mom for not waking him up, and the mom blamed her husband for coming home late. Then the dad protested that he had no choice but to join the company’s get-together and blamed his son for not waking up on his own. Happiness cannot take root in a family that blames each other like this.

People who try to avoid taking responsibility, only blaming others, end up losing a lot of things. Those who blame others for everything don’t have their own lives in the end. They are like a scarecrow that drifts around by other people’s lives, not by their own will.

The main character in life is oneself

It doesn’t mean that you should only blame yourself. If you blame yourself too much, you lose confidence and become dispirited. Blaming oneself for everything, admitting one’s mistake and being responsible for it are totally different in meaning. Admitting one’s mistake is like speaking message: “My life is mine, so I will fix whatever I am not doing right and overcome difficulties.”

If you use that energy to admit your shortcomings and navigate your life more positively, instead of consuming energy to blame others, the possibility of growth opens up for you. Let’s say one goes on a picnic, but it starts raining all of a sudden. If he looks at the sky and blames the heavens, he will only feel upset that his picnic has been ruined. However, if he thinks it is his fault that he failed to check the weather forecast and didn’t bring an umbrella, he will be able to be wise enough to check the weather forecast in advance and bring an umbrella next time.

If you want to get along well with your teenage child but your child is not cooperating, try checking your way and attitude instead of just putting the blame on your child. When you do that, the way to improve your relationship will open.

Arthur Ashe, the first African-American to win a major tennis tournament by overcoming racial discrimination, became a coach, a commentator, and a human rights activist after retirement. However, he contracted HIV from a blood transfusion he received during heart bypass surgery. When he was asked, “Why does God have to select you for such a bad disease?” he replied:

“When I was holding a cup, I never asked God, ‘Why me?’ And today in pain I should not be asking God, ‘Why me?’ If I should ask God, ‘Why me?’ about my pain, I will have to ask God, ‘Why me?’ about my blessings, too.”

When you feel weary and unhappy, you need to think, “Are all the causes from other people, situations, or environments?” You are unhappy not because of those things, but because you think you are unhappy on account of them. Even weeds, which are often stepped on by people’s feet, do not blame the barren land but bring forth flowers in spaces between pavers.

Emotions are what you feel, and your life belongs to you. When you point your finger at other people and say, “It’s your fault,” remember that all the other fingers are facing yourself.

John G. Miller, the author of QBQ! The Question Behind the Question, says that we should focus on “what and how” instead of asking “why, when, and who.” If a thief broke into your house, it will be constructive for your family members to say, “What should we do to find the lost things?” “What should we do to make sure that this doesn’t happen again?” instead of trying to find out whose fault it is, saying, “Why didn’t you make sure the door was locked?” “Who was the last one to leave the house?”

To do this, you need tolerance to understand other people’s shortcomings and to embrace your family members, instead of rebuking them even if it is obvious that it is their fault. In the above case, if you say, “I think I forgot to lock the door. It’s my fault,” or, “I should’ve checked it before I left. It’s my fault,” it will create a warm atmosphere and you will be able to find a good solution.

In a happy home, there is no such thing as: “It’s thanks to me when things go well, and it’s because of you when things go wrong.” Rather, it is the opposite.