Different and Wrong

In Korea, crows are considered birds of bad luck, but in England they are considered auspicious. In Japan, people hold their rice bowl with their hands while eating, but in many other countries people put them on the table. In some countries vehicles drive on the left side of the road and in other countries they do on the right side. Some countries use knives and forks when eating, while others use chopsticks or eat with bare hands.

Countries have different languages, climates, geographic characteristics, historical backgrounds, and foods. In the same way, cultures vary from one county to another. You cannot say that a certain side is wrong. Likewise, people are all different. However, the difference often becomes the cause of conflict in human relationships. Even family members or people on the same wavelength sometimes do not admit differences among them, so they become estranged or have conflicts. What efforts should be made to overcome this wisely?

Different means wrong?

If something is wrong, it is incorrect and not in accordance with facts. For example, it is to say that one plus one is equal to three, or to insist that the capital city of Australia is Sydney, or to claim that the earth is rectangular.

On the other hand, something different means that two things being compared are not like each other. For example, seeing O, some people say it is the number zero, and some others say it is an English alphabet O, or a figure, or a Korean consonant. This is not wrong, but their perspectives are different.

However, sometimes people unconsciously judge that something different is something wrong. If you think, ‘In my eyes, O is seen like a number, so all others too should accept it as a number,’ you will reject and criticize the person who says it is a figure. When something is a matter of difference of thoughts, if you regard it as a matter of right and wrong, you happen to defame others, saying, “Why does that person behave like that?”, “I can’t really understand,” “What kind of person is he?” or to hurt them, comparing with others, “Why do you do that unlike your older brother?” or “Why don’t you help the housework like other husbands?” This is why you think the other person is wrong and try to correct him and induce him to follow your opinion.

No one is the same among eight billion people; even twins born on the same day and time are different. We are all born with different genes, faces, physiques, health conditions, temperaments, etc., and grew up in different environments, being disciplined by different parents. Not only the experiences and knowledge we have gained while growing, but also the people we have met are diverse. They vary according to the situation, just as rainy days are the highest season for umbrella sellers and sunny days are for straw sandal sellers. So it is natural that each and every person has a different way of thinking and lifestyle.

Remember that the other person is not wrong but different. As you have not lived the other person’s life, what is natural for you can be uncomfortable for the other person; and what is natural for the other person can cause you discomfort. If you regard difference as wrong, you cannot escape from discord, conflict, prejudice, and discrimination.

The psychology of liking someone similar to you

Professor Randy Garner at Sam Houston State University in Texas, U.S. selected subjects and sent a mail to them, which asked them to fill out the questionnaire and send it back by mail. The test subjects were divided into two groups: Group A marked the names of senders with the names similar to recipients, and group B marked with the names completely different from the recipients. As a result, twice as many people responded to the request of Group A than of Group B.

Dr. Carolyn Parkinson at the University of California, U.S. showed the videos, which covered a range of genres (e.g., news, comedy clips, music broadcasts, and documentaries), to 42 subjects who were friends, scanning their brains through fMRI. The closer people were, the more similarly they responded to the videos. It means that they see the world in a similar way.

People generally feel comfortable with those who are similar to them and want to be with them. Preferring and trusting people who share similar opinions, values, and interests is almost instinct. Even if you first meet someone, it will be easy to get close to each other if you discover a common denominator. This is called “Similarity Effect.”

Why do people respond like this? It is because everyone wants to gain support and empathy from others for their words and actions. When you are with someone who is similar to you rather than someone who is different from you, you are more likely to get empathy and express your thoughts with confidence. You will even feel that your logic is more justified and appreciated.

This comes from the desire for others to think like yourself and to see the world from the same perspective as yours. However, when this hardens, it is easy to fall into a self-centered way of thinking because you think your thoughts and feelings are always right. You may also get into the habit of thinking that other people’s thoughts and feelings are not right.

The desire for others to be the same as you is just greed, and if you live in that way, only misunderstandings and conflicts arise. Just because one person is right, it doesn’t necessarily mean another person is wrong. When you respect differences and embrace diversity, you can achieve balance and harmony, without being biased.

The process of understanding differences: listening and empathizing

If people are of one mind, they will feel less stressed and quarrelsome and will easily maintain a good relationship. However, they cannot always agree with each other. The problem is not that they are different, but that they do not understand the difference or accept it.

Although you know that different does not mean wrong, it is not easy to accept it if the other person’s difference makes you feel uncomfortable. The reason you come to speak bluntly when you do not agree with the other person is that you persistently think, ‘You are wrong.’ When this kind of thought is embedded in your talking or facial expressions, you will cause offence to the other person, which leads to conflicts.

When negative emotions quietly come up due to differences between each other, control those emotions first. After that, listen carefully to the other person. In order to accept differences, the process of understanding is needed. If you judge the other person, based on your standards, with only what you see, you may think, ‘(S)he is such a person. What can I do? There is no other way but understand him (her).’ However, this attitude is not an act of understanding. Real understanding begins with open ears, based on the respect for the other person.

Listening is an important foundation in understanding the other person. The circumstances and positions of the other person are different from yours. So if you do not listen to the other person, you cannot know the message he or she is trying to convey. Many people think it is easy to listen and consider themselves to listen to others well. However, they often make a mistake by only listening to the parts they want to hear, based on their values and ways of thinking.

If you listen carefully to the other person and put yourself in his or her shoes, you will be able to understand even a little bit more why he or she says and acts in that way, and may discover points to learn and empathize with. If you have patiently listened to the other person, do not instantly judge him or her and express your own opinion, but take it as it is by saying, “You may think so,” or, “I can understand how you feel.” If you look at the other person as he or she is and try to understand the difference, and this makes your relationship better, wouldn’t it be worth making efforts?

It is said, “The gentleman is harmonious but not conformable.” This means that the gentleman goes together with others though he has a different way of thinking than them.

Only a perfect agreement among family members is not a key to a harmonious family life. Living in harmony includes accepting mutual thoughts and empathizing with each other, as well as understanding and embracing differences when there is a disagreement. Moreover, we cannot push out any one of our family members just because of a difference. When we find a difference, let us understand the difference and embrace it. Isn’t it a true family?