Overprotection Makes Children Weak

A young man who had graduated from college visited a psychological counseling center. He was brought by his parents who could no longer stand watching their son sleep during the day and play computer games all night. Their son was old enough to become independent and plan his life, but he had no will to live.

Through counseling, the counselor found out that the biggest problem was that he grew up, receiving excessive concern and meddling from his parents. This young man, who is the only child in his family, was under the thorough system his parents made, and got everything he needed even before he asked for it, and he could only hang out with the friends who met his mom’s criteria. Since he had no opportunity to make a choice on his own or experience to overcome adversities, he was still living a lethargic life, depending on his parents, though he became a grown-up.

The parents helped their son with every matter and took his side unconditionally, misunderstanding that that was love and concern. Now they know what result such parenting brings about. It is natural for the parents to feel sorry for their children and to love them that they give all their heart. However, when it becomes too much, it causes a problem. Just as plants in the greenhouse cannot withstand harsh rainstorms, overprotection makes children weak and dependent like the kangaroo tribe [young people who are economically dependent on their parents even after they are old enough to be independent] and mama’s boys.

Excessive overprotection

Parents’ overprotection is getting prominent because of fervor for education, constant cruel crimes and accidents, a dreary social atmosphere, and their desire for the children to live without feeling intimidated unlike them who grew up in poverty and oppression.

A mom called her child’s teacher and requested the teacher have someone else sit by her child in classroom because the child didn’t like the one who sat by her; and a parent assaulted her child’s teacher for treating her child unfairly. In one country, a parent even sent her nanny in a camper to school to cook lunch for her child so that her child could eat what she liked for lunch.

This is not the case only for little children. Some parents pick classes for their college student children to take, and a parent even asked her child’s company to send the child to a different department because he was having difficulties in the current department. A company’s human resource manager had a hard time because the mother of an applicant who didn’t pass the review process called and yelled, “My child has the best qualification. Explain why she didn’t pass!”

In reality, it is not easy for the parents to just watch their child having some hard times or to control their desire to give their child the best care unconditionally. It is also difficult to find the line between protecting and overprotecting their children. The Social Welfare Dictionary defines overprotection as a “tendency that a parent protects a child excessively to let the child avoid a situation that seems harmful psychologically or physically.” However, it is ambiguous to judge what situation is harmful psychologically or physically, and how much amount of protection would be “excessive.” Judgment is purely up to the parents. Parents need to keep the balance of love, always thinking if their behaviors are truly for their child.

Overprotection keeps the child from being independent

Wendy Grolnick, an American social psychologist, had an experiment to see how parents influence their children. She gave toys to the moms of 12-month-old toddlers, and asked them to stay with their children while they were playing with the toys. Some moms kept interfering, showing how to play with the toy, and some moms watched their children play and only helped them when they needed help.

Then, she separated the moms from their children and gave the children new toys. The children whose moms had a controlling tendency soon lost interest in the toys, but the children whose moms let them have freedom kept studying the toys. Grolnick made a conclusion that when a mom has a tendency to control the child, her child’s inborn ability and motive can be damaged.

In the minds of parents who overprotect their children, the thoughts, ‘He’s too young to do that,’ or ‘It will be too hard for him to do it by himself,’ are deeply rooted. It’s because they don’t think their child is reliable. Since they don’t think their child is reliable, they have many anxieties and concerns. However, if the parents come forward and solve everything even before their child asks them for help and interfere and control them for every matter, in order to prevent anxious and worrying situations because their child is too young, it is no different from conveying the message, “You can’t handle this on your own.”

Therefore, the children who are raised under overprotective parents are not confident in their own decisions; their ability to make choices and decisions is weak, and they are more likely to give up when the situation looks a little difficult because their minds and bodies are weak. Then they may end up having trouble with personal relations and social life, and taking it natural to depend on their parents even after they grow up.

Some parents mistakenly believe that their child’s dependence on them shows his deep tie with his parents. A healthy relationship between the parents and their children needs to be formed, but if you want to avoid a misfortune where you break your back while looking after your kangaroo tribe child in your old age, you have to refrain from overprotection.

Be a lighthouse, not a navigator

The ultimate goal of parenting is not being responsible for the child’s life to the end, but teaching the child to be independent so that they can grow up and live through difficulties on their own. Parents should be like the lighthouse lighting their way, not like navigators holding the wheel in their child’s life. The lighthouse provides the right direction so that a ship can navigate safely; it is the ship that has to overcome strong winds and waves.

What the parents need more than anything else is patience, if they want their child to become self-reliant. If you want your child to wash himself on his own, you need to expect the bathroom to be a mess, and if you want to teach your child to do his homework and keep his room organized by himself, you have more work to take care of. When your child is doing something, don’t press him or interfere with him, saying, “Do it faster,” “Do it right,” or “Let me just do it,” but wait patiently though he may be slow and poor at it.

Instead of worrying, ‘What if he doesn’t do it right?’ show that you believe he can do it. This is important. When the child thinks his parents trust him, he tries to live up to their expectations. When the child makes a mistake or feels hurt, the parents feel sad and heartbroken, watching him, but it becomes a valuable experience to the child. If the mom helps her child up whenever he falls, or carries his bag for him when it looks heavy, or carries him on her back when his legs hurt, the child can never feel joy and satisfaction that he did something. When your child is having a hard time, encourage him, and when he does something well, praise him unsparingly.

Some parents miss necessary disciplines because they want to protect their child. Some parents are busy defending their child when their neighbors who live downstairs complain about the noise from their child running. Some parents don’t say anything though their child is being loud in a public place. Some parents don’t take it seriously when their child bully someone at school and say that it is better than their child being a victim. These attitudes do not protect their child, but rather make him selfish. Help your child strengthen autonomy, but make sure he keeps morality and rules.

There are no eagles that keep their young in their nests just because they are so cute, or because they are worried that they will fall while flying and get hurt. Although the young feel afraid and scared, they can hunt and enjoy the joy of flying when they learn to fly. That is why the mother eagle pushes the young out of the nest resolutely even to the point that they look heartless, and that way they teach them to fly.

An animal with extremely deep maternal love sacrifice itself for its young, but it never raises its young to be weak and unable to take care of itself. There is an expression, “If your child is precious to you, send him away, far from home.” If you want your children to be successful, you shouldn’t only protect them, but should train them to grow strong by allowing them to experience the hardships of the world. Then, at some point, they will grow both physically and mentally and come back to you as reliable sons and daughters who can repay you for your grace.