How to Help a Bereaved Person

All people experience big and small losses in their lives. The losses can be their friends, family members, co-workers, acquaintances, and so on. The grief and pain followed by such loss varies, depending on people, but the sadness of losing the loving family members is bigger than any other sadness.

Sorrow of losing a family member is a kind of feeling that everybody wants to avoid, but anybody can experience it either temporarily or permanently. Little children lose their grandparents whom they are close to; dispersed family members cannot meet each other even though they want to; some sons and daughters miss their fathers who died after many years of struggling against diseases; some wives lose their husbands whom they spent half of their lives together with; and some parents bury in their hearts their little children whom they lost in accidents. If there is anybody like this around us, how can we help them?

Aftereffects from losing a family member

When one loses a family member, he gets caught up in a negative emotion such as shock, panic, and grief. In particular, a sudden, unexpected loss of a family member can remain as permanent trauma and not be healed naturally even after some time.

Trauma or Post-traumatic Stress Disorder [PTSD] refers to an aftereffect that comes after experiencing a shocking incident that goes outside the boundary of general human experiences such as war, catastrophe, or tragedy. However, a recent research says that it can come not only from a war or a tragedy, but also from personal incidents, someone’s death, or humiliation like being bullied.

There are three major symptoms of PTSD. First, a person suffering from PTSD is very sensitive even to trivial things. Second, he gets easily scared by a little thing. Third, he finds it hard to fall asleep. It is because his sympathetic nerve is very active to deal with stress after the shock he got from the incident. He recalls the same incident again and again, even when a long time has passed since the incident. As a saying goes, “Once bitten, twice shy,” he feels fear and horror from the previous accident when he faces with an item or a situation that reminds him of the incident. If he keeps suffering from such symptoms, he might perceive reality as a dream, or even erase his memory of the incident.

It is said 40% of children experience at least one incident that can cause trauma before they reach adulthood. However, not everybody who has experienced something difficult suffers from trauma. Sadness is a normal reaction, but if one fails to overcome it, it can turn into trauma. That’s why experts say the role of a comforter is very important to people having a hard time.

Mistakes people make when trying to comfort someone

It is hard to fathom the sadness of people who have lost their loved ones. As their sadness is deep, comforting them is even harder. People do not know what to say to those who have fallen into deep grief, and so they might say, “I understand how you feel.” Even though they say that as the words of comfort, the ones who have lost their loved ones can feel resistant to such words. Since everyone’s relationship is unique, the feeling one has for losing the loved ones cannot be the same with that of others even if they have some similar experiences.

People are afraid of expressing their emotions, especially negative feelings. Some people try to comfort them by saying, “Be firm and strong” or “Don’t be too sad.” However, these words are not proper because they keep the bereaved ones from expressing their feelings.

Some other common words of comfort are “It’ll be all right” and “You have to keep on living your life.” All these words, though coming from their sincere hearts, don’t help the ones who are suffering from the sadness of losing their family members at all; they only sound like the words of advice instead of comfort to the bereaved ones. What the people who are dealing with sorrow want is someone who will listen to them, not someone who tries to give a way to solve their problems or a piece of advice.

People who have suffered sadness sometimes express their feelings. However, after listening to their stories for a while, some people suddenly change the topic. It is because they are not ready to share their sorrow. However, if you want to comfort them, you need to be ready to cry with them.

People greatly misunderstand that the bereaved ones would look sad always. Everybody has a different way of dealing with sadness, and people feel mixed emotions at once. Their momentary happy look doesn’t mean that they have completely gotten rid of sadness.

Moreover, some think that those who are dealing with sadness should come back to normal quickly as if nothing had happened. However, they’d better change their thought. Sadness is a feeling that everybody feels, and it shouldn’t be suppressed. People say that sadness becomes half when a day passes. It means it becomes less, but never disappears. Where the wound heals, a faint scar remains. It is possible to heal an emotion of sadness, but it cannot be gone completely.

A comforting message: “We are with you”

According to a recent research, the incidence of depression, anxiety, heart disease, and cancer is lower for the people who are well-supported and loved than those who aren’t. To overcome pain, it is important to regain confidence and restore a stable relationship. That’s why no matter what a good treatment they get, they cannot be healed without constant and considerate relationship. Those who are experiencing sadness can be healed most when they have a meaningful and sincere relationship.

Empathy—not pity or sympathy, is the first step to comfort someone who needs healing. Feeling pity or sorry for them does not help. Empathy is the ability to share another person’s feelings and emotions, and it cannot be calculated in our minds; it should come from our hearts. We also need to sincerely understand how depressed and isolated they feel and how desperately they need help. Putting yourselves in their shoes, supporting them emotionally through true understanding, and sharing their feelings are the starting point to comfort and help them find peace.

Once you begin to speak the same language, they can express their feelings little by little, and then you can communicate. While getting their experiences and their emotions off their chests, they can gain strength to overcome sorrow. Expressing their wounds in words is one of the ways of healing, but you shouldn’t force them, if they are not ready to get things off their chests. It’s because it can give them pain just by reminding them of what happened. Sometimes, a helping hand is more helpful than many words. If they feel they are connected to someone who is always at their side and understands their sorrow, they can be healed gradually.

Some people who have lost their loved ones try to find the cause of the incident and can blame themselves and suffer from guilt, thinking, ‘It’s all my fault’ or ‘Only if I had not done that.’ That’s why we should encourage them to express their sorrow instead of suppressing it. Moreover, they need to know that feeling joyful is not something they should feel guilty about. They’d rather try to rest, exercise, eat, take care of themselves, and restore even trivial things. We should support them in that sense. It is also good to help them take some time to overcome sadness by helping them with house chores or watching their children.

When they feel they are alone and no one is helping them, their sadness doubles and they suffer from greater pain. People who suffer from the pain of loss need love. The feeling of love that someone truly understands them and has empathy for their emotions will give them courage to overcome sadness.

“Boston Strong!”

The bombs at the Boston Marathon killed three people and injured about two hundred and sixty people. A year later, on April 21, 2014, the 118th Boston Marathon was held, and more people participated in it than the previous year. “Boston Strong” was a slogan that the City of Boston made to embrace each other, and it filled many parts of Boston. The victims, their families, and the whole city became like a family and they sent words of comfort to each other. While they were enduring for one year, pain turned into hope.

We are living in the age of trauma. Just as the City of Boston did, we desperately need our families like an oasis where we can be healed and rest a little. Let us take on the role of a family for those who suffer sorrow through understanding and empathy, so that we can share their grief and help them overcome it.