“It’s Okay Because We Are Family”?

A family is the first group that a person belongs to after he was born, where the members’ gender and age are different. If the members don’t make efforts to take care of each other with sincerity, their relationship faces difficulty. Most people have a wrong idea about their family that they can keep the family relationship even though they don’t make efforts. They believe that they don’t need to try to look good to the family members or be nice to one another because they are family. However, we can see that big and small disputes that separate family members are from being inconsiderate of and feeling too comfortable with each other.

This month, let us think about some wrong ideas that we can have about the family, and strengthen our family relationship. The family members are very precious people who have a great influence on our lives. Therefore, each one of the family members needs to make the best effort for a smooth relationship.

Wrong idea #1
‘I don’t need to tell them everything because we are family.’

There are families that keep silent, taking the family members’ love and sacrifice for granted, and there are families that always express their feelings, saying, “I love you,” “Thank you,” “I’m sorry,” “It’s okay,” “Good job,” and so on. The atmosphere of those two families must be very different. People easily say negative expressions to their family members but not positive expressions. However, everybody likes to hear positive expressions. Thinking, ‘Does she understand me only when I say to her?’ you may not say what you should say; so at first, even though you feel awkward, try to say what’s in your mind.

The more you expect your family members to know what’s in your mind without saying it, the more you feel disappointed when they don’t live up to your expectations.

“How can you say that you are my husband if you don’t even know what’s in my mind?”

“I thought Mommy would know how I feel.”

“Do you understand only when I say it?”

These blames are from much expectation towards others. It is natural that you have expectations for someone close to you. However, even your family members will have unavoidable situations while living together. When there is an unexpected conflict, you need to be flexible to change your expectation and solve the problem through conversation. People say that family members can read each other’s minds by looking at their eyes, but the more often you have conversations with them, the bigger your happiness becomes.

Wrong idea #2
‘As they are my family members, they’ll understand me.’

You are greatly mistaken if you think that your family members have to always take your complaints. Recently, the Korean Broadcast Advertising Corporation made an advertisement titled “A family who are different inside and outside.” The advertisement shows a husband who is considerate of his co-workers, but not of his wife; a mom who is kind to her customers, but cold to her son; a son who is outgoing when he is with his friends, but sullen with his father; and a daughter who is nice at her work, but not at home. This advertisement shows the family members who have dual personalities, and then it asks the viewers “Are you different inside and outside?” How many people can say, “No,” confidently to this question? That’s why people say, “Make at least half of the efforts that you make for others, for your family.”

Sometimes, we get on the family members’ nerves or are rude to them, whereas we are kind to our friends or co-workers. This is an inconsiderate act that comes from the unconcerned attitude, ‘My family members will understand me because we are close.’ If any one of your family members gives you a hard time with that kind of wrong idea, can you accept him unconditionally with a broad mind?

Family relationship is based on trust, but the members need to make endless efforts to keep that relationship. The aforementioned advertisement says to the family members who are different when they are inside and outside, “Please show to your family members, too, the kindness that you show to others.”

Wrong idea #3
‘Is there anything I cannot say to my family members?’

“Please lose some weight!”

“Don’t you even know this?”

“Whatever! You’re impossible!”

“You ruin everything!”

What your loving family members said thoughtlessly can be the worst thing you’ve heard in your life. Family members love each other the most, but they also hurt one another the most.

When you talk to others, you think, ‘What if I hurt that person’s feelings by saying this?’ but when you talk to your family members, you often say things carelessly, thinking that every word will be accepted. Sometimes, you hurt them by saying something inappropriate, but rationalize your impoliteness, saying, “I was just joking,” or rather blame them, saying, “You are so narrow-minded!”

Why is it that we get hurt more when we hear something harsh from our own family members than from others? It’s because we trust and love our families. That’s why we need to think about the feelings, situations, and personalities of our family members when we talk to them. Just as people say that it is far easier to forgive an enemy than a friend, it is very hard to heal the hurt feelings by someone close.

People change into comfortable clothes as soon as they get home. It means that they want to feel relaxed at home. So, when your family members are in a defenseless state like that, if you express your feelings without filtering them or show your anger, thinking, ‘Why should I watch my tongue even in front of my family?’ then they will be hurt more seriously. If you have something that you feel hesitant to tell others, you also have to be careful about saying it to your family members.

Wrong idea #4
‘Why do I need manners with my family?’

When you are to meet someone for your business, you confirm the time of the appointment before meeting them, and you call them or e-mail them ahead of time if you are unable to make it to the appointment. Like this, you make efforts to move your customers. However, what about to your family? When you make an appointment but cannot keep it, don’t you take it lightly and think, ‘Well, what can I do? They will understand.’

Actually, the reason that the head of the family gives priority to their work is for their loving family members, but when they get blames for that, they will think that it is unfair. However, if you have to break your promise with your family members, even if it wasn’t your intent, you have to ask for their understanding and explain to them about the whole situation not to lose their trust.

Home is a site of cohabitation where the members live together and help each other with love. It is also a place where they learn the basic manner of living and cultivate their character. Therefore, when the family members respect each other and keep basic manners, a harmonious family can be made, and they can have a bright and active social life.

It is good to be open with each other, but if you act too casually, then it may cause discord. There is a saying that goes, “The closer you get to someone, the more considerate you should be of the person,” and another saying goes, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Confucius, too said, “Be polite to your family. This is the basis of a human being.”

People’s true nature is shown at home. If you don’t keep etiquette to your family members but to others, it is only to show. People who are truly polite keep etiquette to their family members who are the closest.

Don’t rationalize yourself, thinking, ‘It’s okay because we are family.’ Instead, you should make efforts to make a harmonious and happy home. Since you are family, you ought to express more, be more kind, and keep even better manners, without hurting each other. Then even if there is a storm, your home will not be affected by it.