Empathy, the Capacity to Put Oneself in Another’s Position

In Korea, once the phrase, “Are you hurt? It hurts me, too,” was the talk of the town. This heartwarming phrase of a character in a soap opera, who didn’t just understand the pain of the other person but shared it with her, gave a big resonance to the viewers.

Actually, that phrase is not exaggerated. When people see someone else get a shot or fall or skin their knees, they frown as if they were the one in pain. Not only pain but also laughter, yawning, and itching are contagious. Why do we feel others’ emotions as if they were ours? It is because of empathy.

Empathy is the capability to understand others’ emotions, opinions, insistence, and so on, or to feel that way. The ability of empathy comes from the mirror neurons in our brain. Mirror neurons cause us to react to others’ acts as if we were doing those acts. These neurons make us copy others’ acts or feel empathy. In other words, it eliminates the barrier with others.

Empathy is the essential virtue of communication; it is like a lubricant that softens human relationships. In the absence of empathy, we can neither converse from heart to heart nor have any satisfactory conclusion. When the bond of empathy is formed, trust can be built up, and mutual understanding and good communication can be achieved.

Jeremy Rifkin, a world-renowned economist, said, “It is because of the outstanding empathy that mankind was able to achieve today’s civilization, and this ability will emerge as a core capability in the future.” American psychologist Daniel Goleman said, “In modern society, emotional quotient [EQ], which is to communicate with others emotionally is more important than intelligence quotient [IQ]. And the most important characteristic of EQ is empathy.”

Empathy declining in this age

Just as economist Jeremy Rifkin says, if today’s human civilization was able to be achieved thanks to the ability of empathy, it can mean that the declining ability of empathy could cause the collapse of civilization. A growing number of psychopaths, hate crimes aiming at a random large number of people, and school violence are closely related to lack of empathy. The reason some assailants don’t have any compassion, a sense of guilt, or regret at all after committing a horrible crime is that they don’t have the ability of empathy.

Some experts say that the development of the Internet is one of the causes that decline the ability of empathy. Online communication through the Internet and mobile phones is growing rapidly, but many people say they have difficulty in interpersonal relationship. The contents of conversation are important in communication, but what is also important is nonverbal elements such as voice and communication through each other’s eyes. However, communication based on the online text makes it difficult to communicate or empathize because the other person’s feelings cannot be examined fully.

On the other hand, some people point out the poor functioning of the family. Home is a place where a strong and healthy bond of empathy should be formed more than anywhere else. However, in reality, the opportunity to share emotional exchanges among family members is reducing as the family is getting smaller and working couples are increasing. There are more various analyses, but the fact that the need for empathy is on the rise shows that our society lacks the ability of empathy.

People with a lack of empathy fail to read others’ emotions, so they end up showing inappropriate reactions to people they are talking to, and the other person feels like he is talking to the wall. It is also difficult for them to forgive or tolerate someone else’s mistakes because they have a narrow view to understand others. They have strong self-centered awareness to think, ‘I am I, and you are you,’ and it harms their social life and human relationship.

How to raise the ability to empathize

A baby’s mirror neurons become active and their ability of empathy develops through making an eye contact with his mom and sharing smiles with her. So if you want your child to have a good ability of empathy, show much empathy to your child since he is young, saying, “I see,” “You must’ve felt upset.” Even if someone didn’t grow up receiving enough empathy, his ability of empathy can be improved by his efforts because the brain keeps changing.

Empathy starts from listening. When you listen to another person, you need to concentrate on him so that you can understand what he says, and you need to also consider his facial expressions, eyes, and gestures. Many people who have difficulty in interpersonal relationships tend to think that they are not good at talking. However, the problem is often caused by the inability to listen, rather than by poor speech. To listen well, you need to leave behind your thoughts and prejudices and listen carefully to what the other person says.

After listening to the other person carefully, you need to put yourself in his shoes. The essence of the ability of empathy is to put yourself in someone’s shoes. It is necessary to try to think in the position of others. Patricia Moore, an industrial designer, dressed herself as an elderly woman for three years in her twenties at the thought that she needs to experience all the inconveniences herself to be able to design products that are convenient to everybody. Through this opportunity, she invented innovative designs such as ambidextrous scissors, low-floor buses, and rubber pot knobs, and now she has become an internationally-renowned designer.

People usually tend to regard their suffering as big and others’ as small. ‘How come he doesn’t try harder?’ ‘I don’t think it was something that would hurt her feelings that much!’ Thinking that, people tend to criticize others instead of thinking about the situations and positions of the others. It is like telling a crying child whose younger sibling took his toy, “It’s nothing to cry for,” or to the spouse who says, “I am sick” or “I’m having a hard time,” things like “If you’re sick, go see a doctor,” “You are not the only one who’s having a hard time. I am, too!”

Let us remember what seems like nothing to us can be something serious to someone else. Empathy is not to agree with the other person unconditionally, but to understand the mind of that person, thinking, ‘He could feel like that.’

Empathy opens the mind of the other person

“Honey, I’m having some hard times these days. I have so much work to do and my boss is not leaving me alone.”

“That’s what social life is like.”

“I know that, but I can’t stand it when people treat me carelessly just because they are in higher positions.”

“Forget it.”

“Next time it happens again, I’ll say something.”

“What if it makes your relationship awkward?”

“I don’t care.”

“If you don’t like your job, quit it and stop whining.”

“What?”

One of the common mistakes people make is trying to judge if what the other person is saying is right or wrong, or to suggest a solution. In the example above, what the wife wanted from her husband was comfort and empathy. Even if the husband doesn’t want his wife to work, what is important in the situation above is to understand how she feels and respect her emotions.

“Honey, I’m having some hard times these days. I have so much work to do and my boss is not leaving me alone.”

“I guess it’s really hard because you usually don’t talk about those things.”

“He treats me carelessly just because he’s a boss.”

“Really? I would be angry, too.”

“Next time it happens again, I’ll say something.”

“It seems that you’ve been holding it in for quite a while. It must’ve been hard.”

“You are the only one who understands me.”

“Yeah, don’t keep it to yourself. Whenever you have a hard time, just talk to me.”

“Thank you. I feel better now that I got it off my chest.”

The wife, comforted by her husband’s empathy, will go to work the next day with a light heart. People like those who empathize with what they are saying more than those who say what is right logically, and they open their minds more to the former people. It is because they feel respected when others understand how they feel and show empathy. Instead of pointing out and trying to provide a solution, if you just show enough empathy, they can solve their problem on their own and find the right way. When disciplining your child, you should first try to empathize with your child and help him discern between right and wrong.

Empathy has the power to move people. Patients trust the doctor who empathizes with their pain, and students follow the teacher who understands their minds. Products that do not get empathy from consumers do not lead to sales, and speeches that the audience cannot empathize with are just noise. People gain courage to overcome pain and live even if there is only one person who understands them. If you believe that you are not alone but have someone to whom you can open your heart, you are the happiest person.

Development of machines in this age lets computers and robots solve many things of our life. However, empathizing with others is a special ability that even AlphaGo (an AI Go program developed by Google DeepMind) cannot mimic. Mirror neurons in the brain tell us that we are to empathize and help each other from the time we are born.

If we look at each other through the mirrors that are within us, we will understand each other and there will be nothing difficult to understand among the family members. And there is one more thing to remember! The more you use this heartwarming ability, the more it grows.