Think Before You Speak

There is a saying, “Pay more attention to the words coming out of your own mouth, than to the words coming out of others’ mouths.” Like this, there are many quotes about the importance of words in every country where language is used as a means of communication. Words are the best tool to exchange thoughts and information. However, on the other hand, words can also hurt each other’s feelings and cause misunderstandings and disputes; humans have learned this lesson through their experiences accumulated over a long time although their languages are different.

Conversation is interactive communication. It means that there is a speaker and a listener. When we toss a ball to each other, the ball can go a totally different direction than intended. The same is true with what we speak. Since everyone’s situation, way of thinking, and set of values are different from each other, one’s intention is sometimes delivered in the wrong way, and one can feel unpleasant although they know that the other person did not have a bad intention. Likewise, what makes someone feel unpleasant, regardless of one’s intention, and makes the one regret it, is a slip of the tongue.

What is once spoken cannot be taken back just like a tossed ball, so we need to practice asking ourselves and thinking before we let words come out. Then, what are the things we need to think about before speaking? The answer lies within the word think. Let’s learn five points to keep in mind for an enjoyable conversation through five letters in the word THINK.

Is It True?

When it comes to the words that are not true, people usually think of exaggerated remarks, gossips, fake news, etc. However, you can speak what is not true although you don’t intent to lie. They are the words generalized or twisted, and the words based on a biased interpretation and judgment.

If you tell a person your subjective thought without filtering it, while believing that it is true, you might deceive them unintentionally. Suppose that you say, “I went on a trip and asked someone for directions, but he just walked off, saying that he was busy. Everyone in that country is unkind.” The fact is that the person you asked for directions just walked off, saying that he was busy. You cannot say it is a fact that everyone in that country is unkind; if so, you are making a mistake to generalize all the people of that country with one or two experiences. If you want to express your emotions without making this kind of error, you need to use an “I-statement,” saying, “I felt that people there were unkind.”

If you speak as if what you think is a fact, there are always victims. Once settled thought does not change easily. For this reason, a settled thought could be a cause of conflict, and people happen to be involved in the conflict without knowing the root of the problem. In order to prevent this, you need to distinguish a fact from an interpretation [judgment], and be aware that your judgment and interpretations could be wrong.

Is It Helpful?

Sometimes, what you tell someone with the intention to help them causes a problem. Giving a piece of advice, pointing out a fault, interfering, and meddling could cause a problem. If you try to change someone’s thought or behavior although that person didn’t even ask you for help, it will not be effective even though you say it with a truly good intention, thinking that he or she needs to hear it.

In the Go game, spectators sometimes interfere and give a hint. Because there is a difference in viewpoint between the players and the spectators who are watching the game, sometimes a spectator finds something that a player does not see. Like this, sometimes the third person sees something about another person that he or she does not see. However, if you say it abruptly, the listener feels like their skills are not acknowledged and feels as if you are saying that you are better than them. This causes them to feel defensive rather than being helped.

This also applies to the situations where what you say is factual information. Let’s say you are enjoying some food, but your sibling says to you, “It probably contains a lot of chemical seasoning”; or you are excited that you purchased something cheap, but your sibling says to you, “That’s not cheap. I know a store where they sell it even cheaper.” You will feel unpleasant. This is why you need to be considerate of how the other person is going to feel even if what you want to tell them is helpful and useful information.

Is It Inspiring?

If you truly want to help someone whom you care for and love, hoping that they will improve for the better, you should not give them bitter comments, but choose different ways: compliment, encouragement, acknowledgement, or cheer.

Just as athletes often achieve a good result when they receive cheer from the audience, we need confidence and courage to accomplish something better. Compliment and encouragement give positive energy and bring about a desire to improve ourselves, inspiring us to show our potentials. Just as it is hard for people to find their weak points, they don’t acknowledge their strengths quite often, either. However, if someone tells you what your strengths are, you will feel tremendous joy. If you acknowledge others when they do something amazing whether big or small, or when they make efforts although they don’t accomplish something, they will be able to stand strong even in stressful situations.

Between people who have strong trust for each other with a belief that they are on the same side, they accept even a bitter piece of advice. Just as you feel like trying bitter medicine if you are given it with sweet candy, if you feel convinced that the one who advise you is someone who loves you and supports you, you can accept even bitter words from them.

If you trust them, wait for them, and encourage them with positive words, conflicts and discord go away. Finding others’ strengths through close observation and expressing it with words is the best way to show your affection.

Is It Necessary?

A good way to have an enjoyable conversation is to find common interest, but what is even more important is to avoid unnecessary topics. What someone is not even curious about or what has nothing to do with them is something that doesn’t need to be talked about. Also, boasting about oneself, or comparing oneself with someone else, or talking about something that other people want to hide is something you’d better not talk about.

You don’t need to reveal all that is in your mind in order to be honest, or tell everything that you saw and heard. For example, if you say to someone who got fired, “You are now unemployed,” it is not false information, but it is not necessary. Also, if you hear something about someone from the third person, you should not mention it to that person before the third person brings it up first. Even though what you’d like to say is true, you should first think, ‘Will this be helpful to him/her?’ If you do so, it will be easy to filter what’s not necessary.

If it is something that is not necessary but can be a topic of an enjoyable conversation without harming anyone, it helps the relationship of each other better. However, if it is something that could cause a dispute and create an unpleasant mood, it is better not to say it even if you want to.

Is It Kind?

Although what you’re about to speak is true, helpful, inspiring, and necessary, it is useless if it lacks this. It is a soft way of speaking with a gentile smile, that is, kindness. No matter how great your message is, if you say it bluntly, the good meaning in the message is conveyed distorted. If others feel hurt although you didn’t have a bad intention, it could be because of the way you speak.

When people feel upset or down, it is hard to hide their feeling while talking. When you don’t like the way the other person talks, you may raise your voice or lose a smile on your face although you started off with a smile. So you need to control your negative feelings such as anger and irritation in order to keep a good relationship with each other.

A friendly attitude reduces the risk of causing a big problem even though each has a different opinion. If a person is carried away by your kindness, they will feel like following your will rather than insisting on their own opinion. However, if you say something in a forceful and acrimonious way, you may be able to let them follow you but their hearts will be distant from you.

Food, when prepared wholeheartedly, looks more appealing and delicious when it is put in a nice bowl. The same is true with letting out of your thoughts into words. Words softly spoken with a gentle smile please the listener; such words not only create a friendly atmosphere but also build trust for each other and develop their relationship.

“Kind words will unlock an iron door.” Turkish proverb

“Kind words are worth much and cost little.” British proverb

“One kind word can change someone’s entire day.” Anonymous

Actually, it is impossible to make no mistake in what we speak, as far as we use language. However, you can reduce quite many mistakes just by being mindful of how your words will sound to the listener and how you can speak in a more pleasant way, before speaking. If you keep learning through experiences and making an effort, you will be able to lessen mistakes in speaking.

Although you cannot take back what you’ve already said, a different result can be brought about, depending on how you handle it. When you hurt someone’s feelings by what you speak, even if you didn’t mean it, acknowledge your fault and apologize instead of rationalizing it with the excuse that you didn’t mean it or putting a blame on the other person for feeling upset for something trivial like that. This way, you can prevent a quarrel. On the other hand, when what someone spoke made you feel uncomfortable, forget it by thinking, ‘I’m sure he/she didn’t mean it,’ if you know that they had no bad intention. Then, they may appreciate your generosity on their mistakes and feel grateful and affectionate for a long time. Careful speaking and good listening based on understanding are a foundation for building a good relationship.