Complaint, the Antonym of Happiness

A family went on a journey for a change. The whole family members were excited about their first overseas trip. On the day of their departure, the wife frowned as it rained in the morning. “It’s raining! Why today of all days?” On the way to the airport, the wife again grumbled. “We don’t have time, but the traffic jam is terrible! What’s wrong with this car? Why is it so slow? It’s frustrating!” When they arrived at their destination, the wife’s complaints continued. “I don’t like this hotel,” “I don’t like food here,” “My legs hurt because of a long walk,” . . . The husband got angry with her constant complaints. As a result, the family ruined their trip and returned home with a heavy heart.

Despite the same situation, some take a positive view of it and some others find things to complain about. The person who frequently complains is not welcomed anywhere. A job portal site surveyed 1,159 personnel managers on employees whom they wanted to fire; the first place (53.7%) was the employees who were dissatisfied with everything.

If there is someone you find it uncomfortable to be with at workplace, you can avoid him or her, but you can’t if it is your family. Moreover, you may express your complaints more easily to your family. If complaints overflow, whether at home or in society, organizational power weakens and cohesion decreases. Complaints are a shortcut to darkening the mood and ruining relationships.

As a saying goes, “Happiness always comes in through the door of thanksgiving and goes out through the door of complaint,” if you are satisfied with and grateful for your present situation, you will continue to find things to be grateful for and have joy and happiness in them. But if you pour out only complaints with negative thoughts, you cannot help but live an unhappy life without feeling the joy of life. So some said that the antonym of happiness is complaint, not unhappiness.

Complaints create a problem

To complain means “to be dissatisfied with a situation and reveal what you don’t like with words or actions.” For example, “Why wasn’t I born in a better family?” “Why is my country going this way?” or “Why my child gets only poor grades?” There is no limit once you complain about things, situations, and persons. If you complain habitually, you will have more things to complain about.

The more you complain, the more negatively your brain thinks. In other words, the brain becomes good at complaining. When you do the same thing, you will be more efficient if you are happy with it than dissatisfied with it. If you’re always complainy, things won’t go well because the brain doesn’t notice a good solution though there is one. Emotional and complaining attitudes make your brain unable to work properly.

Complaints spoil not only the work but also your health. Complaints release a stress hormone called cortisol. Excessive cortisol constricts blood vessels and decreases immunity, leading to a variety of diseases including heart disease, obesity, and diabetes. Complaining even causes the listener to complain or feel blue. After all, it hurts not only your own health but also the health of others.

Complaints and facts

People often complain but do not realize that they are complaining; they think they just point out definite facts. If you complain all the time, you come to have a distorted perception that you are always a victim, and misunderstand that you are treated with hostility when you are treated slightly unfairly. The people who are self-centered are more likely to complain. Because their own thought comes first, they can’t stand what is against it.

Whether the particular statement reflects a fact or is a complaint depends on whether the speaker is experiencing an internal dissatisfaction. In other words, if the speaker wants something or a situation to change as he wishes, it is a complaint. Let’s say, there is no rice left at home. If you say, “We’ve run out of rice,” you are telling a fact; if you say, “Why do we run out of rice so fast?” it shows your negative feelings and thought that rice shouldn’t be used up.

“Many complaints do not reflect people’s true attitudes toward an object or a person, but rather involve attempts to elicit particular interpersonal reactions,” said American psychologist Dr. Robin Kowalski. These “interpersonal reactions” are summed up in five ways: getting attention, removing responsibility, inspiring envy, exercising power, and making excuses for poor performances. When you are about to complain, try to determine what your underlying motivation might be.

“How?” rather than “why?”

Complaints don’t solve any problem. Yet you cannot just bear up against unjust and unfair things. For a better life, criticism with alternatives and reasonable grounds are necessary. In other words, complaints can become constructive criticism according to the attitude of the person who expresses it.

“It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness,” said Confucius. “Too many people go through life, complaining about their problems. I’ve always believed that if you took one tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out,” said Randy Pausch at his last lecture before his death as a Carnegie Mellon University professor.

It is better to focus on solving problems rather than complaining. Instead of saying, “Why . . . ,” look for a solution in a positive direction. When a restaurant table isn’t clean, you can just ask to clean it, instead of complaining, “Why is it so unclean?” If it is something that can be changed by your will or effort, you can find a solution like this and resolve the complaint. However, if it is what can’t be changed by any efforts, it is no use complaining. Then don’t worry too much about it. Learn to accept the situation as it is.

When people complain

People are generally tolerant of their own complaints, but feel tired of others’ complaints and whining. In any case, we have no choice but to listen to complaints and dissatisfaction from others, including family members, friends, and neighbors.

When someone complains, don’t complain together or get annoyed but stay calm. The words dissatisfaction and complaint sound negative, so it is better to say, “What troubles you?” rather than “What are you complaining about?” or “What are you dissatisfied with?” Listening to complaints is also a way of conversation and communication, so listen first. Don’t cut in like, “So, what’s the conclusion?”

The role of a listener is to empathize, not to solve the problem. If the desire to be sympathized is satisfied, most complaints will go away. When the wife whines about difficult chores, if the husband says, “If it’s so hard, stop doing it,” it only causes her to complain more. What the wife wants is to be sympathized, not to quit the domestic chores. If the wife is really having a hard time doing household chores, the couple should find ways together to resolve her complaints.

Even if you don’t think the other person is right, or if he or she complains because of misunderstanding about you, acknowledge his or her feelings so that you don’t have unnecessary arguments but keep good relationships. The argument for the complaint can be made later.

Yu-gwan, the second vice-premier in the days of King Sejong during the Joseon Dynasty (1392–1910) of Korea, is well-known as a clean and upright government officer, who practiced a frugal life and self-control. One day, he asked his wife to bring an umbrella as the roof was leaking during the rainy season. It was to avoid rain by using the umbrella in the room. He said to his wife, who was complaining about their poor living conditions despite his high government position,

“How fortunate we are! We have at least an umbrella. How can others bear up without an umbrella?”

As this story spread, people called Yu-gwan’s house “Usan-gak” (meaning “umbrella house”).

If you only think of your uncomfortable conditions, you can’t see other people’s circumstances. What if a person who lives in a big house say to a person who lives in a single room that he can’t live because his house is too small? What if a wife complains of her insomnia to her husband who worked all night? Refrain from complaining and avoid making such mistakes.

As the antonym of happiness is complaint, the synonym of happiness is gratitude. Gratitude guards against all complaints. Do not complain if you’re not going to act on the complaint; give thanks if the complaint can’t be resolved.