Conflict, an Opportunity for Everyone to Become a Winner!

Nowadays, crimes occur among family members very frequently in our society. A lack of communication makes even the members, whom you should love and care most, the objects of crime. Long-term conflicts deepen emotional confrontation and may cause a drastic action.

Someone said, “Running a home is like gardening.” If you don’t pull out weeds at the proper time, even a beautiful garden will be covered with weeds. Conflicts are like weeds. There are always conflicts even in happy and ideal homes. A conflict is a proof that they are alive and that they love each other. Just because there is a conflict, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other; and just because they love each other, it doesn’t mean that there is no conflict.

Many people think that conflicts are a pain in the neck. However, if you accept a conflict as an opportunity to see reality and to check yourself, it can be a new turning point of your life. It is not too much to say that a happy home depends on how to solve conflicts. As the saying goes, “After a storm comes a calm,” if you handle it wisely whenever there is a conflict, you can make your family bond and relationship stronger.

How to prevent conflicts

When you have a conflict, it is important to handle it wisely, but what is better is to prevent it from occurring.

1. No one is wrong: you are just different from each other

A conflict begins from a premise, “I am right, and you are wrong.” First of all, we need to clarify the difference between being wrong and being different. It is wrong to judge that someone is wrong just because he has a different opinion. When two people see an apple fall, one may say that it’s because of gravity, and the other may say that it’s because it’s been ripe.

Some may think the apple must be delicious, and some may think it must hurt if it falls on him. Who is right and who is wrong? No one is wrong here. The ways they think are just different.

Two people who have grown up in two different environments become husband and wife. So it is almost impossible for those two people to create harmony overnight. Even siblings who came from the same womb have different personalities. If you don’t admit each other’s difference, complaints arise. Those complaints become a cause of conflicts. Instead of trying to change the other person based on your set of values, train yourself to respect your family members and accept them as they are.

2. Listen attentively

Most families that have conflicts have problems with listening which is the basis of communication. If you cut off while a family member is talking, or if you talk unilaterally, conversations among your family members will disappear little by little. Having less conversation is a typical phenomenon which appears when people’s relationship becomes bad. When your family member is talking to you, listen attentively, not losing your focus. Attentive listening makes people happy and gives them strength. Even if a problem is not solved, when you listen carefully to what other people say, it can solve 90% of their complaints.

3. I, too, can be wrong

Keep in mind that your memories and judgments can be wrong, your way of thinking can be foolish, your actions can be inconsistent, what you regarded as wisdom may not be wisdom, and there can be something that you haven’t thought about. Always remember that you, too, can be wrong and have limits and contradictions.

4. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

People are fond of someone who understands them, more than someone who tells them what is right and what is wrong. People try to accept whatever someone who understands them says, but they don’t want to listen to someone who doesn’t understand them even if what he or she says is right. To understand someone, you need to first put yourself in that person’s shoes. There is a reason for every act. If you put yourself in someone’s shoes, you will be able to understand that person a lot better, though not 100%.

Find a win-win solution

A quarrel between family members is not a competitive game where one person wins and the other loses. You can only have either a win-win situation or lose-lose situation. If you’ve solved the conflict fairly enough and made a closer relationship, you all become winners; but if you turn your backs to each other without being reconciled, you all become losers. Even if you win in a quarrel against your family member, it is not like you are given a crown; and even if you lose, it is not like something’s going to happen.

The followings are the principles of solving a conflict in a way to make all the family members winners.

1. The purpose of a quarrel is not to take it out on each other, but to solve a problem

When people are caught up in emotions, they often throw complaints only or take it out on each other. Taking it out on someone consumes lots of your energy and hurts each other’s feelings. Even if you start a quarrel, keep in mind that the purpose of the quarrel is to solve a problem so that you can have a good relationship, not to find out whose fault it is or to take it out on someone else.

2. The target of attack is not a person, but a problem

When there is a conflict among the family members because of the difference in opinions, it is easy to take the family members as a target of attack. If you take your family member as a reason for the problem, the quarrel only becomes worse. Especially, it is not right to talk about your family member’s personality or weak points. Try to find agreement, focusing on the problem, not on a person.

3. Talk about the present problem only

If you get angry, you come to remember unpleasant things that happened in the past. If you bring up even the things that happened long ago, you become far from solving a conflict. You need to check whether or not what you are saying is about the present problem.

4. Show an active attitude to solve conflicts

When one tries to solve a complaint, if the other tries to avoid it or is indifferent to the situation, they lose the opportunity to understand each other. A strong family does not keep complaints in mind to use them as weapons later. Except when you have to wait until your family members come back from work or school or until they calm down, it is better to solve the problem before the day passes if possible.

5. Take one step back

When there is a conflict, the best solution is to yield and apologize to each other. The expression “I’m sorry” delivers three messages all at once: “It’s my fault,” “I respect you,” and “Our relationship is important to me.”

A quarrel between family members starts from a small matter. When a member is angry at you, you need to say “I’m sorry” first instead of making an excuse or trying to make him or her understand your action, and then you can explain about the reason for your behavior. One apology can finish the quarrel. So don’t make the quarrel bigger because of your pride.

These days, family dissolution is accelerating, and quarrels among family members have crossed the limits and led into crimes. The only way to solve such problems is communication. Everybody wants to have a happy family, but a happy family cannot be made without an effort. The more you put efforts, the happier you can become.