I am the third oldest one of four daughters. There is an old joke in Korea, “The third oldest daughters are so pretty that men are willing to take them as their wives without even seeing them.” However, I was my dad’s most concerned child in my family. When I was a kid, I had a high fever from polio. I survived, but I was at a risk of becoming paralyzed from the waist down. Thanks to my parents, who even sold their farms and fields to cure me in any way possible, I was able to walk though I became lame.
My dad felt sorry for me, so he raised me as a dear child without spanking me even once. However, as I became pessimistic while going through puberty, I blamed my parents, who had spared nothing for me, and I told them that I would quit school. My dad tried to persuade me, saying that I needed to at least graduate from school for my future. But whenever he tried to persuade me, I felt severe resentment.
“Why did you let me live? Everything is so inconvenient in my life! Do you think studying is going to make my life better? Why should I live like this? Why should I even live? I’m going to take my life!”
My dad slapped me in the face for the first time ever. He felt so bad that he turned around without making eye contact and went out. He hid his sorrow with no one to lean on. Then one day, something unexpected happened out of the blue. He was on a boat bound for Jejudo Island to find a job when he suddenly had severe vomiting that he had to be taken to the hospital. My mom and oldest sister heard what had happened, and headed there right away. My dad was barely breathing with the help of an oxygen mask and died soon after seeing Mom and my oldest sister one last time. We were told that he had a liver cancer. He left this world so suddenly, which means that he must’ve been in a great pain. I don’t know how he could travel all the way to Jejudo Island despite such a great pain. How heavy the responsibility of the head of the household must have been!
I didn’t get to share his last moment with him. I just stayed up for three days straight during the funeral. My sorrow was inexpressible and piercing my heart; I wailed and wailed but tears kept coming out. I never said thank you to my dad even once to say nothing of apologizing to him. I heard that he worried about me even until the last moment, saying, “I can’t leave Jeong-oh!”
My dad was always worried that I wouldn’t be able to get a job or get married. Despite his concern, I married a good man and I have a child, too. I’ve also met Heavenly Parents, and I am full of hope to go to heaven and see Dad again there. I don’t know if he can hear me, but I really want to give him this message:
“Dad! I am happy that you were my dad. I still miss you. Let’s meet again in the Kingdom of Heaven where there is no pain or death.”