Love Is Not Easily Angered

Anger does not come from outside but ignites inside. So you can seek the way to control your anger inside yourself.

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You may get angry when the situation does not work out the way you want: if you get stuck in traffic when your appointment time is near, or if it rains when you put on new shoes. However, anger is mostly caused from human relationships.

When you get angry, your blood vessels swell, your face turns purple with rage, your eyes are opened wide, your breathing becomes faster, and your blood pressure increases. You may easily spit out remarks that hurt or ignore the other person you want to attack. Obsessed with your prejudice, you cannot figure out the situation and even your ability to solve problems declines.

Anger is not only harmful to your health physically and mentally, but it also triggers a fight by annoying the other person. If you cannot tolerate anger and shoot an arrow of anger toward the other person, you may feel relieved at that moment, but instead of solving the problem, both will be offended. In many cases, people quarrel with their family members by failing to hold their anger.

As long as people with different situations and values live together, conflict is inevitable and an ember of anger can ignite at any time. If you get angry at every time, you will have no choice but to be isolated from your family or society. On the other hand, if you always repress your anger, you will feel the limit of your patience. Then, what is the way to get through this situation wisely?

Cause of anger

Usually, people are angry when they feel that something is not right, and they think that expressing their anger is a reasonable act against unfair things. In other words, they believe that there is a good reason for their anger, and that the other party caused it.

However, if you think that the reason you are angry is only because of the other person, it is misjudgment. Stimulation from outside is not the real cause of anger. The real cause is something else—a desire within yourself. Everyone has their own belief, framework, and rule that they consider to be right and universal. If the other person’s words and actions meet your expectations, predictions, or values, you have good feelings toward them. Otherwise, you have negative feelings.

When you are in good condition, if your family asks for your help, you can give a help joyfully. But if you are tired, you may get annoyed. Although your spouse acts in the same way, some days you get angry and some other days you don’t.

Therefore, the cause of anger is not in the other person, but whether you like or dislike the other party’s behavior at that moment. The idea that someone else makes you angry is just self-rationalization. In fact, it is because you haven’t got enough control over your mind.

Therefore, when you are angry, you should ask yourself, “What do I want?” Recognizing your own desire and expectation, preconception and misunderstanding, you can see a clue to solving your anger. And with the most objective viewpoint, see whether the reason for your anger is really reasonable. If the reason is not valid, the emotion softens.

Even in the same situation, anger increases when you think the other person’s behavior is deliberate. If a child does not listen, you may think he is trying to put you through trouble; if your spouse is not active in the house event, you may interpret that he or she is putting everything on you. What you understand may be completely different from the fact or the intention of the other person. If you are easily angered, examine whether your interpretation of stimuli is too sensitive.

If the cause of your anger is in you, it means the way to solve it, too, is there. If you find out what caused your anger and keep thinking over how to solve it, you can reduce the frequency and intensity of anger and even its stress.

Make a rest area between emotions and actions

Many people fly into a rage unconsciously and then regret, ‘Why did I do that?’ Expressing your emotions in anger is easier and simpler than expressing your mind through a calm conversation. When you lose your temper, the brain part involved in emotion first activates and then interprets the situation. That is to say, you do not think before getting angry, but get angry before thinking.

Emotions and actions are completely different. Just feeling anger is not a big deal, but expressing it in action requires control. When you are angry, it is easy to lose your reason. However, emotions can be tamed by the power of reason. To do that, you must first notice your emotional state.

While frowning and raising the voice, some people still do not admit that they are angry, saying, “When did I lose my temper?” If you have negative thoughts and physical responses such as a stiff body and being red with anger, and you feel the urge to express your anger, you should quickly notice that you are angry. Even if you don’t raise your voice, you need to observe what your feelings are like; if you’re blaming the other person, saying sarcastic or hurtful remarks, or speaking in a commanding tone, or just speaking rather than listening.

When you separate your actions from your emotions, the power of reason starts to grow stronger. The practice of separating emotions and behaviors is like creating a rest area on the highway of a neural network in the brain. Without this rest area, you will make a mistake of frowning or spitting out offensive remarks immediately when you are angry. Although you are angry, if you recognize it and look at the situation rationally, you can respond better than getting furious.

Get what you want without getting angry

If you notice that you are upset, find the reason and ask yourself, “Is it wise to be angry?” “Am I not wasting my energy for nothing?” “Will things go well if I get angry?” or “Can I cope with the situation after I get angry?”

Some parents say their children listen to them when they get angry. However, when parents are angry, the children are frightened at the moment and simply stop acting to escape the situation, but neither show an attitude of reflecting on their mistakes nor try not to repeat the same behavior. Changing a child’s behavior in that way has no educational effect, but rather misses the opportunity to teach them correct behaviors.

Anger is expressed more easily when you think the other person is weaker or lower than you; even if you are angry, the other person will have no choice but listen, so you come to make less effort to control your emotions. If you don’t look down on the other person but respect them, you can solve problems more rationally in conflict situations.

You cannot get what you want from the other person with a hostile look or a cynical tone. If you don’t mean to argue, you need to calmly demand what you want after your anger subsides. Even if you are treated unfairly, it is much favorable to act calmly.

A survey on the cases of venting anger on family members showed that married couples are angry when they think they are treated unfairly, and parents said it is when their child doesn’t meet their expectations. If you get angry at the same matter again and again, why don’t you check whether you lack conversation and think over how to prevent conflict together?

If there is no change though you get angry, just let it go away. When a car running next to you suddenly changes lanes, though you fly off the handle, the other driver does not know it at all. When you get angry in that situation, the anger is unintentionally delivered to those who are in your car. The same is true when things don’t go as you planned. If you think, ‘How come!’ your anger arises and everything looks negative, but if you focus on what you should do, the problem can be easily solved.

“When you are right, you have no need to be angry. When you are wrong, you have no right to be angry,” said Gandhi. There is no reason to be angry whether you are right or wrong. The situation in which you disagree with the other person is not the time to anger and fight, but to test whether your inner ability is good enough to amicably solve the problem at hand.

A family is built on love. Occasionally, don’t you mistake the love for the belief that you may get angry without suppressing your emotions, making your family and yourself unhappy? Expressing anger in you is like forcing people around you to eat food that is harmful to health.

The Bible lists the characteristics of love, and the first one is “being patient.” “Being not easily angered” is also one of the conditions to fulfill love. Just as you want to give only good things to your loved ones, convey your good feelings along with your efforts not to get angry at your family. It is your home where the virtues of “being patient and not easily angered” should be conducted most, because love is the foundation of your family.