Neither Hurt Nor Be Hurt

A wound is an injury or a damaged area of the body. Not only the body but also the mind has wounds. Unlike wounds on the body, wounds in the mind are invisible, so they are likely to be overlooked. Visible wounds can be treated with medication, but it is hard to heal the wounds in the mind on your own.

As a poet said, “Is there a soul without a wound?” everyone gets hurt at least once in their lifetime. Conversely, everyone hurts others during their life. It is not an exaggeration to say that life is a process of constantly hurting, being hurt, and recovering in the relationships with others.

It is easy to hurt, but it takes time and effort to recover from the hurt. Depending on the depth of injury, it takes days or months, and some wounds cannot be healed forever. If it gets worse, you might be shut of your precious ones. Therefore, in order to live long and happily with your loving ones, it is necessary not only to practice not hurting, but also to actively care for and heal their wounds.

Keep your distance not to hurt

Young children have no choice but to get damaged in full if their parents hurt them. Quarrel between husband and wife, discrimination between children, excessive discipline and caning, venting parent’s anger on children, and comparisons with others hurt children deeply. “You always do what I hate,” “Is there anything that you can do right?” These words damage not only the mind but also the brain of the child.

Parents, too, are hurt by their children. The Chosun Ilbo, a Korean press, surveyed 205 middle-aged adults on the “most hurtful words from their children.” As a result, the first place was “Dad (or Mom) speaks a different language.” Although parents are hurt, they rarely express it, and so most children don’t know if their parents were hurt. However, the wound they received from their loving child is very painful.

It is the same between husband and wife. The majority of couples in conflict have difficulty recovering their relationship due to memories about their wounds. The bitter feelings that remain in their hearts bring forth a quarrel even for a small problem, leaving them scarred again. The issue of a quarrel may be forgotten, but the wound by words rarely disappears.

Home is a place of binding up wounds in mind and comforting each other, but also can be the source of wounds. Then, why do people hurt their close ones? When you get close to someone, you accept them as part of yourself. In other words, you come to forget that they are an individual with a different mind.

This makes you want them to know your mind though you do not express your feelings, and want them to act as you expect. So you sometimes speak without consideration or spit out harsh words that you never do to others. The expectation that your family will understand you no matter what you do, and the wrong justification that your family should be able to bear such a thing as a family, hurt your family.

It is necessary to keep a psychological distance in order to minimize the number of times hurting your close people. Although you live with your family openly, there are words that you must not speak to them and there are lines that you must not cross. This does not mean that you should keep emotional distance from your family members, but mean that you should respect them and admit that they have freedom of choice. When you keep a psychological distance properly, you will be careful not to hurt them with your words and actions, and even think over how to be more considerate of them.

Empathize with the other person’s pain, and apologize

Usually, people keep the memory of being hurt for a long time, but they are unaware of how they hurt others. Even if you notice that you’ve hurt others, you rarely keep it in mind. Rather, you justify yourself, saying, “I have not hurt you,” and “Why do you sulk about such a trifle?” or get disappointed at them, saying, “Don’t you understand even this small thing?” If you complain to the one who you hurt or avoid the case while they are still upset, it will become a real problem. What matters is not your point of view, but the fact that the other person was hurt.

In actuality, it is not easy to admit that you’ve hurt someone’s feeling. In case you didn’t intend at all, if they are uncomfortable about you, you will even feel unfair. However, if you have hurt someone, whether you intended it or not, you have to admit that you did wrong and make effort to restore the relationship. It is right to apologize if you hurt the other person even though you didn’t mean it. The closer your relationship is, the more you are likely to overlook the case. If then, the other person might close their mind.

A sincere apology heals a wound and even impresses the other person. When you apologize, it is more effective to acknowledge your own error and express it concretely rather than just saying that you are sorry. To do this, you need to listen to the other person carefully. Just listening to the appeal of the wounded person is good enough to open their mind little by little.

Even if the other person has misunderstood you, it is important to listen quietly to the end rather than to stop them talking and make an excuse in the middle. If there is something you want to say, it is not too late after they finish speaking. If you only wait for them to finish, thinking about what you will respond, you cannot listen properly. First of all, listen attentively.

When you pay attention to them, you will be able to sympathize with them and also understand their pain and suffering. People are to open up to someone who absolutely sympathizes with their pain and apologizes sincerely for hurting them.

The power of apology is bigger than you think. A festering wound may be healed soon at a single word of apology. Apology is not defeat, but a great remedy to heal deep wounds in the heart, and a courageous act to improve your relationship with someone precious to you.

Boost immunity of your mind

When you are hurt, you might lose your composure and even judgment and self-control. You may be resentful, thinking, ‘How can they do this to me?’ and be full of vengeance to pay back the pain as much as you received. However, will your suffering disappear if you trouble them as much as you suffered? Once you start to hate someone, you will disagree with them even if they say right things, and will be displeased even when they do something good. It is you whose wound gets deeper. What is worse, even the opportunity to restore the relationship with them will get farther away.

No one wants to be hurt. However, it is difficult to predict what will happen to you and what others will speak or do to you. What you can do is try to boost your immunity to wounds.

As for the same thing, some people get hurt while others don’t. This shows what causes wounds is not only certain circumstances, words, and actions of the other person, but also the emotional state of the person who accepts the situation. If you keep this in mind, you can be more confident about how to deal with what happen to you. Recognizing people who are different from you as they are, thinking that there will be an inevitable reason for their actions, lowering expectations, thinking from the other person’s standpoint, restraining emotions, and viewing situations objectively … all these are effective to strengthen immunity of your mind.

In fact, the wounds you suffer in your daily lives mainly come from trivial things without malice or intention. It is not because the other person is a bad one, but because they are not considerate of you while being faithful to their own emotions, or because they have different thoughts or positions, or because they are poor at expressing themselves. You cannot help but face these situations, living together with all different people.

Depending on how to accept and heal, wounds can make you more mature and stronger. The more mature you become, the more flexible your attitude toward wounds becomes. If you hate someone, whatever you do, your work efficiency will not improve and your happiness goes away. Isn’t our life too short to spend time and energy in hate and anger? Rather than being hurt by small things, let us give thanks for small things and relax.

As it is said, “Love no one if you don’t want to be hurt,” love is accompanied by wounds. Love is a kind of promise to take not only good feelings but also pain. Isn’t it your family who offers unconditional love despite many hurts? A family with strong bond does not stop loving each other but continue to find the ways to overcome hurts and conflicts. When you are considerate of each other and keep expressing your love, your home will become the warmest haven in the world, where any wounds can be healed.