Filial Duty Starts from Love

Even little children know that they ought to carry out their filial duty for their parents. However, it is not easy even for adults to serve this matter 100% though they stand in the position where they teach their children about that. It is said that you can understand how hard your parents have worked for you and how much they have loved you once you have your own child, but there is a great difference between knowing something and putting it into practice. Most people put aside their filial duty on the pretext that they cannot help but care more about their own child than their parents, or that they are busy working, or that they live far, or that their other siblings take good care of their parents.

But to parents, their children are everything. Their love is unconditional. They have no debt from their children, but they continually give them and want to give them more and more. However, we hear lots of news about those who throw their parents’ love to the ground and commit immoral crimes against their parents. There is no wonder why people say, “It will be good enough if you can at least just pretend to do filial duty.”

The number of people like kangaroos increases, while the number of people who support their parents decreases

Kangaroos grow in their mothers’ pouches until they are eight months old. Compared with other animals, they depend on their mothers for quite a long time. There are people who are like kangaroos. Although they are adults, they receive an allowance from their parents or still live off them even after they’ve passed the age to become independent. As for those parents, they are still looking after their children though they’ve passed the age to live a comfortable life, receiving support from their children. The number of such people is increasing in Korea and Japan, and even in the United States where most children become independent when they graduate from high school.

On the contrary, the number of adult children who support their elderly parents is decreasing. In 2013, a company which is called Job Korea surveyed 461 people who were in their 20s and 30s with jobs. The survey was about their plan to support their parents. 33.2% of them answered that they were not planning on supporting their parents financially. The first reason was that they didn’t have enough money even to take care of their children and families; the second reason was that their parents had already saved up money for themselves; and other reasons were that the financial matters should be separate even between parents and children and that they too had to prepare for their lives after retirement.

According to the Korea Development Institute’s report, 89.9% of Koreans thought that the family had to support their elderly parents in 1998, but the rate decreased to 31.7% in 2014; and 8.1% of Koreans thought that their elderly parents needed to support themselves in 1998, but the rate increased to 16.6% in 2014. More and more people agree with the idea that society needs to support their parents.

We are living in the Era of Homo-Hundred, and it is said that a life begins at the age of fifty. However, elderly parents can no longer depend on adult children in their old age. Some parents give all their properties to their children, believing the children’s promise that they will care for them, but the promise is not kept and they can never see their children again. And often siblings fight over taking care of parents. As these things happen, many senior citizens say that they prefer living alone to becoming a burden to their children, and this causes many elderly people to die alone.

Filial duty does not require something big

As the saying goes, “A mother with a large brood never has a peaceful day,” parents with many children can never stop worrying. It doesn’t mean that parents with one child have no worries. Parents’ concerns for their children start from the moment of pregnancy; the parents worry if the fetus is growing healthy. When the child is born, they worry if everything is okay with him. When the child goes to school, they worry if he gets along with his friends and if he listens to his teacher. When the child starts puberty, they worry if he hangs out with bad friends. When the child graduates from school, they worry if he can get a good job. When the child becomes an age to get married, they worry if he can meet a good spouse. When the child gets married, they worry if he has no problem with his marriage life. Parents constantly worry about their children, and when they become old, they worry that their children might abandon them, just as pond snails give their own flesh to their young and remain as empty shells.

Parents often lie to their children: “You don’t need to come. I know you’re busy,” or “Everything is okay here. So don’t worry about me,” or “I don’t need anything.” They hide how much they miss their children, and how much their bodies ache, and what difficulties they have. However, children believe parents’ obvious lies. They don’t know what parents really want to say is, “I miss you. Please visit us,” “It hurts all over my body, so I feel sad,” and “I don’t have enough money, so I have to watch on what I spend.” Without knowing this, children misunderstand that they can fulfill their filial duty if they show their parents their successful life.

Filial duty sounds like a big deal. However, in actuality, it is not difficult at all. You can practice it by calling your parents as often as possible, telling them that you love them, visiting them on an ordinary day and staying overnight with them, and holding their rough hands. They are all simple things to do. When people get old, they easily feel lonely and worthless. So, it is better to give your elderly parents something to do and enjoy than to just ask them to rest. Some children say, “I wish my parents not to get involved in my matters too much. They’re too nosy.” However, this is a wrong idea. Sometimes, bother your parents. Ask them to cook something for you or see if your food tastes right, or ask them their opinions about your family matters. Make them feel that they can still do something for their family.

Filial piety should be based on love

A same action can be regarded as filial or unfilial, depending on whether or not it is based on love. If you don’t have love but think that making sure your parents eat is the way to fulfill your duty, then is it any different from raising livestock?

Zengzi, an influential Chinese philosopher who lived around the fifth century B.C., said, “When a son takes care of his aged parents, he must please their hearts, ears, and eyes, not go against their will, make them feel comfortable in bed, and serve them with food prepared wholeheartedly. For this reason, he needs to love what his parents love, and respect what his parents respect.” Zhuang Zhou, another ancient Chinese philosopher, said, “To be filial out of respect is easy, but to be filial out of love is hard.” The core of filial duty is love for parents. If you love your parents, you will be interested in them, and if you are interested in them, you will know what they need and how to satisfy them. No matter how much a child loves his parents, his love cannot reach even near his parents’ love. So, children must love their parents to the fullest.

There is a saying that goes, “Do not wait until parents pass away. Be filial while they are still alive. Then heaven will bless you, and your child will be filial to you.” People know they should be filial while their parents are alive, but most of them don’t truly realize this until their parents pass away. It is said even unfilial sons become filial when their parents pass away.

Who would be willing to take care of us until their hands and feet are worn out? How could we grow without that love? Now is the time to repay for that love before it is too late.